school tomorrow and feeling pretty horrible about it. haven't felt this bad since...oh yeah, the last time I was back at that place.
I've found I tend to like school until this exact point in time every year(if three years counts as every year). this is the point at which point everything, all the happiness and warmth and kindness, starts to crumble away. homework is killing me--no really, I almost literally cannot do it. Music, books, TV, sleep--boring but, yes, they are my bread and butter. high school, I would like those things back, please. now. or else my being starts to deteriorate. and thus, potential angst becomes kinetic angst. tada.
I'm probably gonna find out how my science project went tomorrow. here's another chapter to the now-forgotten Peep Show Moment of the Post Chronicles; "allakazoo allakazam, let's see just how fucked I am" - Mark. Good isn't it? And appropriate. I'm expecting for the essay...gosh, I dunno, could honestly be anywhere from an F to an A, it's all about the damn bibliography. handout, a B minus. presentation...B? C? it's anyone's call. My. grade. is. such. a. mess. It's not even in the A range anymore which is massively annoying. grrr. I would like at least honors this term. this is all causes insane amounts of stress and makes school increasingly unpleasant. then of course finals are in about three weeks and I'm worried if I let myself think of them too much, I will have some sort of break down or aneurysm. is there more than one sort of aneurysm? whatever, science is gonna be a disaster in the grades/sanity respect, geometry not good generally, spanish not good and annoying as hell, gym horrible, all round things are pretty bad.
good thing I have a study hall tomorrow. three hours of homework, they say? yeah, maybe if my homework was at my (12-year-old) sister's level. no, it's actually closer to five. or more! depending. people think I'm crazy when I do a very insignificant portion of my homework during the ten or so minutes of free time I have during lunch. but I'm not! I just want to have a life! How come everyone else can manage and I have to resort giving up half my lunch break? actually, some good ol' snobby Richard Dawkins literature is more on the menu tomorrow, unless I have ridiculous amounts of homework(more likely than not), but my point stands. too much goddamn homework! It's so sad.
then of course there's the people. with the except of a handful of nice people, most of whom I rarely see, I've concluded that everyone is naive, boring, shallow, and mostly, utterly, utterly trite. this does include a lot of the people I know to be vastly more intelligent, talented, thoughtful, and friendly than myself, because even they inexplicably end up fitting in same lame stereotype. they are all the same and it's beyond me how they could even turn out that way. am I much better? probably not, I'm just a kinda mishmash of my odd mind and whatever society has thrown at me. it bothers me nonetheless. get your own damn personality, okay? also, don't start talking about 'drama' because honestly unless this directly affects me I couldn't be less interested in her and him and her and her and her and her and she said this which caused her to say that which caused someone to join too many whiny Facebook groups. your friendships are petty and fake and you just need to grow up. and for another matter, don't call me 'sweet', don't call me normal, don't tell me what I think about(yes, this happens.), don't tell me how I behave, don't assume stuff about me. I'm done. I shall become a recluse and live off Richard Avedon photos, fashion blogs, and sugar. I want to be rid of these people.
back to the world of being forced to talk, too, often by my geometry teacher. like, screw that. If someone at my table wants help with a math problem then I will help you as best I can(probably). however, I very much enjoy working by myself and become such a self-absorbed bitch when told to do otherwise. that can't be helped very easily, I'm afraid. believe it or not, 21st Century America, there's nothing wrong with this side of my personality and I can't help it. my geometry teacher would rather us have too many recreational conversations in class than not talk at all. that makes perfect sense. people say the most stupid things and I'm the odd one for not commentating my entire life. keep it in your head, please. I think the desirability of these traits in this culture is very, very sad indeed.
misanthropy session over, happy new year everyone. I spent New Years eve drawing a poster with my sister, in Dunkin Donuts, dreading tomorrow, watching DVDs and the like. I don't actually like new years that much. I'm the only one who finds something decidedly hollow in the fireworks and the champagne and the staying up till midnight. something about the endlessness and insignificance of it all--quite the contrary to what most people feel, I know. also the knowledge of january's arrival is lonesome. I'm pretty much dead until April. though, weirdly I was comfortable with bare arms yesterday it was so warm, and the snow's melting. I went for a walk. our car got stuck in the barely-there snow. it's also an FJ Cruiser. a couple levels of irony there.
today I went to the mall. 'bout it. I watched Getting On for hours on end. feeling pretty terrible for most of it, due to reasons mostly explained above. I'm here now. listening to iron and wine. I'm avoiding my homework. did I mention feeling pretty terrible? yeah, that too!
I want to sleep and week up for FRebruary vacation.
I'm gonna go now, I need to get my bag and rest. good night.
No comments:
Post a Comment