i had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer

Apparently that's from the great gatsby. i don't know. it would fit. I like it because it's so insigificant, and really insignificant little bits from books are the best, no? Yes. I found it on tumblr, okay?

It's also not even June yet, so not summer either. it falls under the very skewed sort of artistic licence that exists just in the realm of teen blogging, I suppose.

It is Friday night and the beginning of a long weekend and i have no one to talk to and i'm very bored and don't know what else i could be doing right now, so I'm just gonna eat food and watch the quality of music depress as the night goes on. (we're at the pixies at the moment) (they're really good) (joining the consensus pretty late on that one, huh) (it's really awkward just getting into things that are really popular already, yeah).

And nothing has changed since I last really wrote here, of course. Lemme think.

There's about a month left of school, which is pretty mindblowing if you consider how awful this year has been, and how long it should feel, but how short it actually feels. September feels like yesterday. 'Worthwhile' would maybe be an apt word to describe this year...you know, SO FAR, as if the last few weeks actually mean anything. Worthwhile as in learnin' and change and all that nonsense. I don't know what this means or adds up to. I grit my teeth and admit this. I don't know what I'm talking about. the whole thing's a mess. ANYWAY the seniors left today they covered the atrium with plastic cups and squirted people with water all day. So that's the one more School Thing ticked off for the year.

update it's sunday night now we don't have school tomorrow so might as well finish this mistake of a blog post.

my favorite things at the moment are jack kerouac's mexico city blues, los campesinos, and still brass eye. those seven episodes of brass eye have kept me going for a long, long time, apparently.

Watched every Sherlock episode, reluctently resigned to thinking it's the Best Thing Ever. sigh. it really is quite remarkable. However, I can now confirm that the Sherlock fandom is Way Out There. we all knew that before, but it's much better now that I've actually seen the damn thing.

it was Eurovision night last night, and I was reunited with that once-a-year sense of pure self-loathing, as I sat inside in 80 degree weather at two in the afternoon watching two solid hours of europop with azerbaijani commentary. I just can't give up on the damn thing. It's very un-British of me. I miss watching it in England though. you miss all the excitement of it. I was just left with the online dregs, aka mild xenophobia and is-israel-in-europe-or-not arguments. Nevertheless--I persevere! I had no opinion on the UK's entry this year; I was just confused that Estonia and Latvia gave us some points. I wanted Russia to win like you wouldn't believe though--and they came in 2nd! You confuse me, Europe, you really do. I suppose the UK fails in just not being weird enough. (thanks for that, centuries of emotional repression). I love this nonsense far too much.

Mostly I was just amused that the British vote-presenter mentioned us as the "hosts of the Olympics 2012" which basically translates as "Screw You Guys, We have the Olympics".

So I'm really excited for the Olympics, which is weird cause I'm just gonna watch gymnastics or something terrible early morning in england whenever Jeremy Kyle isn't on. I just really hope it isn't completely terrible because you know it's england and i don't wanna be totally embarassed by it all? i should stop talking about england. but i can't. it's an i-miss-england day. that feeling is sort of all-or-nothing at the moment. in a month or so it'll mark five years of my living in this country. i'll write something semi cohesive about it then cause it's actually almost important enough to merit a full blog post!! mostly at the moment i just want to be in england and i want it to drizzle and i wanna eat bad british food and watch bad british tv and listen to bad british music and just absorb the englandness again.

and yeah I just want summer because I can't remember the last time I wasn't tired and I'm sick of the routine of it all sick of working sick of falling asleep when i want to stay awake sick of waking up sick of people and their facades and theatrics and egos and word vomit and oh yeah casual prejudices of every color every day and hating them is considered 'judgemental' hmmm

i'm confused by the way people throw away the word 'judging'. 'Don't judge me' 'you're judging me' 'you're gonna judge me but...' etc etc etc. i don't see what's wrong with thinking a thing if you don't express it. What's bad about making a judgement? as long as you don't act on it, and as you see it as fairly innacurate. i'm convinced this word means nothing anymore. asinine observations.

i've spent all of this month doing drivers ed. it's been tedious and has left me only with apathy when it comes to driving. too much goddamn effort? the whole thing's just weird. i don't know. i had thoughts about this but they're long gone, i guess.

this weekend i've been bored as hell i watched spirited away again bought the kerouac poem book thing it's really good I just love Kerouac? and today i didn't do anything it's been fun. speaking of books I read a bunch of other Vonnegut stuff, Cat's Cradle didn't really click with me too much for some reason but Breakfast of Champions was fucking fantastic. Everyone go read Breakfast of Champions. i've reached the point where i need to buy everything the man ever wrote because my brain isn't the same anymore, and it's fun. yeah. we don't have school tomorrow and i have to film a spanish project and sleep.


A few weeks ago I saw Florence + the Machine with my friend. We drove 2 hours to get there and listened to Glee covers and the concert was the most excellent thing imaginable? I'm seeing Radiohead on Tuesday, Laura Marling and Gogol Bordelo in June. The music of the moment is Smith Westerns(their first album is the perfect Summer Record), and the Pixies, and Washed Out, Los Campesinos(1st album), Cymbals Eat Guitars, the National, and a lot of that 90s guitar music that the cool kids like.

Right i'm gonna go and think about school ending and being in england, and i'll have moody british bands as my soundtrack, so goodnight.

questionnaires so 7th grade

I love travelling internet meme questionnaire things, in all their self-indulgent glory. And since I was tagged in Kayla's meme, it gives me the perfect excuse to a.) talk about ME b.) not do my algebra homework and c.) introduce you all to kayla's totally awesome blog if you're not familiar with it already. It also confirms the fact that i'm still alive and reading kayla's blog since we haven't talked in like forever.

These are the rules:

• Post the rules that are a part of this game
• Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged
• Tag eleven people and link to them on your post
• Let them know you’ve tagged them!

1.) . What accomplishment are you most proud of and why?
Okay at the risk of being really over the top I haven't really achieved anything notable yet. In England you have these secondary schools where the only entrance requirements is to do well enough on these exams, which I did.  There's nothing inherently admirable about it but it's considered to be in England. I'm putting it here because it took like 18 months worth of effort I guess? More effort than a lot of things I've done? Also I got a poem published in a local middle school magazine thing in 7th grade. This surprised me, which I guess I should have some pride in? And I guess I'm proud of getting through various rough patches just because.

2. TV or movies and why?
TV. I guess you could say that TV allows for character development in a way that movies doesn't, which makes sense. But mostly it's for the really shallow reason that I like comedy more than drama or stuff like that, and humanity has so far failed miserably at making even one good comedy movie, as far as I can tell. In my opinion. I also have a shortish attention span.

3. What is your favorite city in the world and why? Difficult to choose. I really like the idea of Edinburgh because the skyline is really nice and they have castles and stuff and it just reminds me of winter mornings. Never been, though. London has a nice familiarity about it, and I've been to Paris once and they just have the nicest alleyways and stuff. Also, Lowell, which may be weird cause I live like right next door to it. But there are all these decaying mill factories and it has a nice bridge and a graveyard and art studios and the whole Jack Kerouac thing is just irresistible. It is exactly how Jack Kerouac always described. You can get lost in it.

4. Where do you imagine yourself in ten years?
I'd be 26 so hopefully I'd be done with college unless i happen to be going any further with my education career. I hope i'd be happy and living somewhere that i haven't lived before and doing a cool job. I really don't have any big plans.

5. What is one of your more ridiculous or silly fears?
I'm pretty good on this front. I guess I fear things about myself or my future. I fear failure too much. Also, I guess it's not unreasonable to be afraid of being the only survivor in a plane crash in the middle of an ocean...but the amount of time i spend thinking about that scenario is a little excessive.

6. What is your go-to method of procrastinating?
The most unoriginal one out there, I'm afraid: tumblr.

7. What is your favorite word?I have a really small and terrible and not very interesting list of favorite words. I really like serendipity, surreptitiously, opiate, Dramamine, and metastatic. Those aren't very good.

8. Name a famous person who has changed your perspective.Wow this one's tough for me. People like...Kurt Vonnegut, Wayne Coyne, Poly Styrene, Alice Walker, Christopher Hitchens come to mind. At this point I should probably be more dramatically affected by famous people, but oh well.

9. Would you rather be overrated or underrated? Underrated. Being overrated would definitely have its perks, but I imagine i'd be plagued by the idea that no one really gets what i'm doing or what i am and i'd be scared to continue in case i did something to hugely disappoint everyone. Being underrated would make me feel more secure, i guess.

10. What do you think is your driving motivation in life? Why?
That is a very good question, one I'm not sure the answer to myself. I guess just the idea of working towards being happy or to reaching a better understanding on things and to getting a better idea of who I am and where I stand with things. I guess it's all a pretty juvenile desire to know things and feel comfortable. A better sense of identity and ideas that make me feel more valid as a person? It all just goes in circles! I think to call it some sort of a search for a better understanding would be best.

it's pretty late now let's see what terrible questions i can come up with

1.) If you could spend a day as any character in a book/movie/tv show, who would you choose and why?
2.) If you could remove any decade of time from history, which would you choose?
3.) What colors do you associate with the days of the week?
4.) What's your favorite area of science?
5.) Do you believe in absolutes?
6.) If you had to remove either all carbohydrates or all sugary foods from your diet, which would you choose?
7.) think of a dream you've had and write the first one that comes to your mind.
8.) How do you feel about yoga pants seriously just let loose your opinions on yoga pants
9.) What's your comfort food?
10.) If you could look like anyone, who would you choose?
11.) Major or minor keys? And if you have any specific key preference beyond that then say that too.

if for some reason you want to answer these awful things then a.) you have too much free time and b.) go ahead I'm not tagging anyone in particular just go right ahead.

I find I have more free time at the moment so I should get back to writing here more. it's been fun when I've actually had something to say. I'm going to a concert with my friend next week and starting drivers ed and stuff so i don't know there'll probably be some anecdotes hiding in there somewhere.

Good night everyone.

a quiz thing so yeah it wouldn't post on facebook

1.     Who usually leaves your family dinner table first? We only really eat together at christmas but probably natalie.

2.     Who is the last person you held hands with? Matt has presumably grabbed my hand for some reason recently.

3.     What do you most despise in other human beings? Arrogance and facades. Inherent in humans I know, but shush.

4.     What is the most depressing time of day and why? 1oclock. I get headaches and feel sluggish.

5.     Mexican or Chinese food? Chinese, always!

6.     Does everyone deserve a second chance? No

7.     What is the worst haircut you've ever had? God knows, probably when i was 10 or something

8.     Ever flashed someone or been flashed? No and no

9.     If you had to name your first-born after someone, who would it be? Poly for Poly Styrene or Brandon (just cause I like the name but whatever)

10.   Fast food: yay or nay? In moderation, sure. And if you claim to never eat any fast food ever I don’t believe you okay.

11.   What is the most you've spent on an article of clothing? God Ive no idea not a great deal maybe a...really nice winter jacket or something?

12.   Have you ever stolen anything? What was it? Assuming bathroom passes don’t count, I don’t know. I will have at some point in the past.

13.   Sexual preference? Boys.

14.   What do you do in awkward silences? Try in vain to come up with something to say or accept it.

15.   What is your desktop background? Some siwrly purple default thing.

16.   Do you have trust issues? I don’t know. Doubt it.

17.   Would you say yes to a marijuana joint right now? Nah.

18.   Would you say yes to a cigarette right now? Nah also

19.   What is the most you've written in a writing prompt/story, etc. outside of school? Nanowrimo, whichever year was longer

20.   In your opinion, what is the likelihood that you will get married? Statistically the chances seem...pretty good? But i don’t know, less than average for me. Wait no just changed my mind i'm not getting married. that settles it.

21.   How do you feel about abortion? Should be legal and available under all circumstances.

22.   What does the last text you've sent say? “Actually got to go now, sorry, talk to you tomorrow” (to matt)

23.   What is the sexiest musical instrument? Cellos are fun.

24.   Do you believe in God(s)? No

25.   Do you smile at strangers? On occassion

26.   What is the most embarrassing/geeky thing you've ever liked? My Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Doctor Who phases were all more or less at the same level of obsessiveness. So those.

27.   Do you wish your skin was either darker or lighter? Darker.

28.   How athletic are you?  I move when it is required.

29.   Put the following seven deadly sins in order of relevance to you (i.e. first = best describes yourself): pride, greed, envy, gluttony, anger, sloth, and lust.  Wow this is a neat question.  Envy, anger, gluttony, pride, greed, sloth, lust

30.   Do you believe in karma? Nope

31.   Do you want a roommate? Maybe at some point.

32.   What is the sexiest piece of clothing you own? Wow what how should i answer this

33.   What's worse: death by war or death by starvation? Death by war is sort of hugely variable? Probably starvation.

34.   What are some mini-phobias of yours? I’m good with this stuff. Drowning and anything else where my ability to  breathe is compromised. Public speaking.

35.   Would you prefer a trip to outer space or the bottom of the ocean? Outer space! 1.) Outer space is huge and beautiful and cool. 2.) The drowning phobia.

36.   Would you rather have only failed relationships or be celibate?  Celibate i guess? I’ve done it thus far.

37.   Are you easy to get along with? Um I don’t know. Not great but not awful.

38.   Do you believe in ghosts? Hahaha no

39.   Would you have sex with the last person you texted? Matt...no.

40.   Are you starting to realize something? A few things, definitely.

41.   How rich are you? Rich enough.

42.   How often do you study? Typically a little bit before most tests?

43.   Do you think you're good looking? Nah

44.   What was the last thing that made you laugh? Brass Eye. It’s the Best Thing Ever.

45.   Disney movies, yay or nay? Well, the good ones yes. In general. They all have their flaws. Disney in itself is pretty cool.

46.   Do you think you'll change in the next two months? How much? Well yeah i will. It probably won’t be by two much right now.

47.   What are you listening to right now? A Mudhoney song.

48.   Put the following in order of importance to you: food, hygiene, sleep, social life, school. Food, sleep, hygiene, social life, school.

49.   Who is the last person you slow-danced with? Hahaha nope.

50.   Would you come to school naked for $500,000? God no

51.   Did you hug or kiss one of your parents today? No

52.   How easily do you forgive? Not very easily at all

53.   Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? Nope!

54.   Cheetos or Fritos? Eww no

55.   Favorite mainstream song? In all honestly beyonce’s like perfect.

56.   What is something you can never shut up about? Being tired or frustrated or having something else i should be doing or just myself in general

57.   Do you consider yourself to be kind? Not especially

58.   If it were free and there were no health risks, would you want plastic surgery? Hmmm not sure

59.   Ever won a contest? Uh, not that I can remember.

60.   Who in your family are you most similar to? My mom probably.

61.   Opinions on sex before marriage? It’s fine with consent and everyone should butt out of everyone else’s business.

62.   Do you dance in the car? nah

63.   The best quality a person can posses is...just...being genuine.

64.   Where are you on the political spectrum? Pretty liberal

65.   What weapon are you best at using? I am inept at everything

66.   How often do you give/receive hugs? Um every few days i don’t know, almost always received

67.   A cause or charity that you actually genuinely care about? Um just equality among people

68.   In your opinion, if you were a color, what would you be? Tough question, i imagine a shade of blue but only cause it’s the only thing to come to my head. (Correction: matt says green)

69.   How often do you get deja-vu? Flashbacks? Deja vu is very rare for me, flashbacks are like most of the time.

70.   What is your best physical feature? I don’t know

71.   Would you go to see a musical right now? Depends very much on the musical

72.   What is your worst high school memory to date? Wow um it’d be pretty recent or environmental or gym or something

73.   What medication are you on? I’m not!

74.   A common lie you tell?  I don’t know just stretching the truth about stuff so not to offend people

75.   Could you eat a whole pie right now? No

76.   Opinions on modeling? Modelling’s fine in principle and there’s nothing wrong with being a model but the fact that models all have to look the same way and are contributing to so much low self-esteem nonsense is vile and should be stopped asap

77.   How many people of the opposite gender do you trust? Three or four

78.   How many people of the same gender do you trust? Three or four, also

79.   Wine, beer, or hard liquor? I’ve only had sips of the first two but wine?

80.   What do you want to major in? good question, you know as well as i.

81.   When is it appropriate to say “YOLO”? when in irony.

82.   Who is someone you admire? Kurt Vonnegut, Wayne Coyne, Poly Styrene, etc.

83.   What is the most embarrassing song on your iPod? Nickelback. I was ten okay.

84.   If you were to call one of your cellphone contacts at random, what are the odds that it will be a person you actually like? 1 out of 20 maybe? Or a bit more than that.

85.   Big or little dogs? Big dogs. I like german shepherds.

86.   Are you allergic to anything? Pollen of some sort i don’t even know i think it’s grass pollen

87.   How much effort do you put into your appearance? I try to no avail.

88.   Put the following seven deadly sins in order of most terrible to least terrible: pride, greed, envy, gluttony, anger, sloth, and lust. Hey this thing again.

89.   How often do you go on facebook? Every day, too often.

90.   Who is the last person you facebook stalked? I am posting this on facebook so...

91.   Would you rather have your crush date your worst enemy or your best friend? Enemy.

92.   Ever been sick in public? Yes indeed.

93.   If you were an element (fire, earth, air, water) what do you think you'd be? We’ve been over this before and have never reached a conclusion on anything.

94.   Were you ever bullied/bullying? No

95.   Looking back, which question(s) were hardest for you to answer? Naming kids, and the seven sins took a bit of effort