school tomorrow. it's an angst-athon.

school tomorrow and feeling pretty horrible about it. haven't felt this bad since...oh yeah, the last time I was back at that place.


I've found I tend to like school until this exact point in time every year(if three years counts as every year). this is the point at which point everything, all the happiness and warmth and kindness, starts to crumble away. homework is killing me--no really, I almost literally cannot do it. Music, books, TV, sleep--boring but, yes, they are my bread and butter. high school, I would like those things back, please. now. or else my being starts to deteriorate. and thus, potential angst becomes kinetic angst. tada.


I'm probably gonna find out how my science project went tomorrow. here's another chapter to the now-forgotten Peep Show Moment of the Post Chronicles; "allakazoo allakazam, let's see just how fucked I am" - Mark. Good isn't it? And appropriate. I'm expecting for the essay...gosh, I dunno, could honestly be anywhere from an F to an A, it's all about the damn bibliography. handout, a B minus. presentation...B? C? it's anyone's call. My. grade. is. such. a. mess. It's not even in the A range anymore which is massively annoying. grrr. I would like at least honors this term. this is all causes insane amounts of stress and makes school increasingly unpleasant. then of course finals are in about three weeks and I'm worried if I let myself think of them too much, I will have some sort of break down or aneurysm. is there more than one sort of aneurysm? whatever, science is gonna be a disaster in the grades/sanity respect, geometry not good generally, spanish not good and annoying as hell, gym horrible, all round things are pretty bad.




good thing I have a study hall tomorrow. three hours of homework, they say? yeah, maybe if my homework was at my (12-year-old) sister's level. no, it's actually closer to five. or more! depending. people think I'm crazy when I do a very insignificant portion of my homework during the ten or so minutes of free time I have during lunch. but I'm not! I just want to have a life! How come everyone else can manage and I have to resort giving up half my lunch break? actually, some good ol' snobby Richard Dawkins literature is more on the menu tomorrow, unless I have ridiculous amounts of homework(more likely than not), but my point stands. too much goddamn homework! It's so sad.




then of course there's the people. with the except of a handful of nice people, most of whom I rarely see, I've concluded that everyone is naive, boring, shallow, and mostly, utterly, utterly trite. this does include a lot of the people I know to be vastly more intelligent, talented, thoughtful, and friendly than myself, because even they inexplicably end up fitting in same lame stereotype. they are all the same and it's beyond me how they could even turn out that way. am I much better? probably not, I'm just a kinda mishmash of my odd mind and whatever society has thrown at me. it bothers me nonetheless. get your own damn personality, okay? also, don't start talking about 'drama' because honestly unless this directly affects me I couldn't be less interested in her and him and her and her and her and her and she said this which caused her to say that which caused someone to join too many whiny Facebook groups. your friendships are petty and fake and you just need to grow up. and for another matter, don't call me 'sweet', don't call me normal, don't tell me what I think about(yes, this happens.), don't tell me how I behave, don't assume stuff about me. I'm done. I shall become a recluse and live off Richard Avedon photos, fashion blogs, and sugar. I want to be rid of these people.



back to the world of being forced to talk, too, often by my geometry teacher. like, screw that. If someone at my table wants help with a math problem then I will help you as best I can(probably). however, I very much enjoy working by myself and become such a self-absorbed bitch when told to do otherwise. that can't be helped very easily, I'm afraid. believe it or not, 21st Century America, there's nothing wrong with this side of my personality and I can't help it. my geometry teacher would rather us have too many recreational conversations in class than not talk at all. that makes perfect sense. people say the most stupid things and I'm the odd one for not commentating my entire life. keep it in your head, please. I think the desirability of these traits in this culture is very, very sad indeed.



misanthropy session over, happy new year everyone. I spent New Years eve drawing a poster with my sister, in Dunkin Donuts, dreading tomorrow, watching DVDs and the like. I don't actually like new years that much. I'm the only one who finds something decidedly hollow in the fireworks and the champagne and the staying up till midnight. something about the endlessness and insignificance of it all--quite the contrary to what most people feel, I know. also the knowledge of january's arrival is lonesome. I'm pretty much dead until April. though, weirdly I was comfortable with bare arms yesterday it was so warm, and the snow's melting. I went for a walk. our car got stuck in the barely-there snow. it's also an FJ Cruiser. a couple levels of irony there.



today I went to the mall. 'bout it. I watched Getting On for hours on end. feeling pretty terrible for most of it, due to reasons mostly explained above. I'm here now. listening to iron and wine. I'm avoiding my homework. did I mention feeling pretty terrible? yeah, that too!



I want to sleep and week up for FRebruary vacation.



I'm gonna go now, I need to get my bag and rest. good night.

I Have A Spanish Quiz Tomorrow.

hi.


And I have a Science test Friday. Dear Impulse; please start making sincerely. Sincerely, me.



As for Spanish it doesn't matter one bit if I study, I'm screwed. it is a VERBAL quiz. I can do written stuff easily. I actually love writing for Spanish and that's actually just one part of my growing love for languages, but talking out loud I cannot do. Spanish accents are impossible. I mean, impossEEbleh. Plus, people talk too fast. I can understand if given five seconds to mull it over. We're supposed to learn fifteen questions and their answers, but it's 8:30 and I do not have time for all that. Oh shoot.





Today I had the easiest Geometry quiz of the year. Guess what; it included proofs. And I prevailed regardless. it rocks because proofs have finally stopped sucking.



It's very saddening that i don't have time to actually put my heart into my blogs anymore. The only downside of high school, right there. They suck your soul out of you but in a way that means everything else seems totally fine. Maybe I will get used to it. But I had to reshcedule my guitar lesson to Monday and I had a slight panic that day because I was SO close to having to redo my entire geometry project, and I had a ton of random homework yesterday, and I had piano today and so much studying. Jesus Christ. I'm so tired. Whenever I read lately I nearly fall asleep no matter how good the book is.



Dear NME; Two updates of Ten Songs You Have to Wear This Week in one week? Good lord, you're in a good mood aren't you? Sincerely, me. PS; get Simon Neil at the top of that Cool List or you'll have me to hear from, kay?



Today in Geometry someone wrote a poem on the desk next to me. It wasn't anyone in my class. I find it fascinating when people write stuff on public surfaces. Bridges, the bathroom walls of Barnes and Noble, geometry desks, whatever. Not an especially good poem but it was fascinating. My teacher had to drag the Calculus teacher that teaches first block to shift through tests to find the culprit. I whizzed through proofs and ate candy corn. This class is actually very cool. We start a new unit tomorrow, and I will miss being shouted at to be louder, somehow, by my group.



Oh Jesus, just remembered, I'm, presenting my bridge project tomorrow. Need to review that. I'm 6th to present. ie unavoidable. Now I'm really upset about it!



My gym teacher is annoyed because I'm not doing anything. It's odd because I never did anything before. Like I said last time, we're doing adventure courses that aren't mandatory, but you're supposed to earn 10 points by helping out. Climbing 5 points, spotting 2, holding the ladder 2, helping with harnesses 1, all that. I got five today although I really deserved one. What's the point of being forced to put on a harness? I will never know. Mine didn't fit me. She says I need to help out...but...no...I'm not. It's super pretentious bs, that class. If my class weren't so occasionally lovely I would hate it.

I'm going to a Halloween party Friday and I can't wait. Still need to establish my pre-Florence plans for Halloween night. I'm far too sentimental to want to miss Halloween entirely.



"Jeremy, there are many things I would do for you, but scraping a hole out of the wintery earth with my bare hands to bury a dog you ran over, is not one of them". Oh Peep Show, how I love you.



So, here's an interesting thing that's happening. There's this guy at school who wont leave me alone. it is in no way a likelike(haha)thing. he just thinks I'm lonely, thinks we're friends, pesters me the whole time. He went to my middle school. He's this super left-winged Love And Peace idiot and it drives me mad. Also, he's so optimistic it makes me want to scream. LET ME BE STRESSED, OKAY? Plus, he asks questions relentlessly. Normally I don't really have problems with you interrupting me reading to ask me something, but not every time you see me reading just for the sake of asking! Who does that? I have two classes, lunch, the bus, and most mornings with him and if someone genuinely annoys you, this can suck. I'm SUCH a bitch, I know, for being so rude to him, but like, he's driving me mad. Plus, I'm not the most outgoing person in the party, so if anyone spends that much time with me I'm liking to be one big ball of frustration. Let alone someone I am growing to hate. What's a back-stabbing teenage girl to do?

When it comes down to it, studying comes first. Bye guys. :D

It's Nine Twelve

Hello.


Miraculously, I finished my homework today and it wasn't even six. How great is that? Thank you school. Some days I hate you. Some days I love you. you're being especially weird and moody at the moment. I wonder why that is.

I was gonna start this a half hour ago, but I was distracted by Peep Show quotes and Kevin Devine. It's very difficult to go hunting down new music, you know, when I'm trying to write something. I might go get High Violet from downstairs. Matt from The National's voice is one that will surely grate after a few listens, sadly, or at least I think. If you listen to it too consistently, actually, rather than too much. Wait, what am I saying? That makes no sense. What I find beautifully ironic about Matt is that he has a slimmer vocal range than your average person, let alone your average singer, and yet he wins all these "Best male Voice" awards the whole time. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it--my God, he does. He's voice is stunning. The whole thing is funny, that he's so good. I hate the idea lately that art is about doing as much as you can as fast as you can. It isn't. Art is so much more. Thus, I present to you, The National.

Anyway, I didn't mean to write that. So, school, school, school. I got 11% above average on a science test. Pretty damn good considering I did not deserve such a grade. We're working on speed and acceleration and vector quantities. Don't ask. I don't wanna know about all that stuff anyway. Who would? Spanish I had a quiz today and, again, I was too lucky with that stuff. I shouldn't deserve to understand it all. Possibly the best Spanish class so far. I'm growing to hate all of them. Geometry I have a quiz tomorrow and I'll probably do okay, it's just vocab this time around. My Geometry teacher's annoyed because I don't talk enough, or something*, but hey, so is everyone. It shouldn't really bother me as much as it does. She's annoying, though. She gives more homework than Science and Spanish combined and claims it will take a half hour. No, it won't. If I knew the answers instantly, the writing along would take more than a half hour! Loads of people are dropping the class. It's sort of an okay thing to do. I don't like this class.

I didn't have study hall today, which I'm growing to love, but I did have gym. Naomi, keep telling yourself you still hate gym, even though you know that's not true. Not once today did I get really frustrated and upset at myself because I did something stupid in a game. No, we played every body's it, and got into partners and I was with who I was partners with first day. For all his basketball shirts and annoying football friends, he's pretty nice and cool. There were worse people in the class. Then we played group games. it was cool. Gym class is my favorite still, the people are nice mostly. Do I found myself actually excited for gym? Oh wow, I think I do.

The nice thing about school at the moment(and possibly about high school in general? I'm not sure) is how unsure everybody is in terms of friends, that they're just willing to talk to everyone. The mornings are great, the position of my science room is brilliant. I was talking to three or four girls in the hallway that morning, most I had never talked to before and it was okay because they weren't sure what to say, either. Same with Geometry, and gym especially. I've talked to so many people, oddly, and they don't care if you talk to them either and it's really relaxed and I haven't developed a burning hatred for anyone yet. that's what's so cool. it's one of my favorite things about it.

*In relation to my Geometry teacher, again, when she asked us questions about ourselves on one of the first days she asked us to 'rate our shyness' 0-10, ten being the least, supposedly being the optimum. I used to think the idea that shyness isn't a sort of defect or major problem went without saying, but lately, I'm not so sure. The next day 'we got very few people under a 5...and we'll deal with those people as we go along'. What the hell? You'll deal with my three? (or was it two? I'm not sure. Three is fairest). That's horrid. Basically saying that I have a personality problem, a defect in my brain, that I'm socially inept, etcetera. What the fuck is that? that's sick. Horridly extroverted human beings, ugh, yuck.

Basically other than that, I just finished reading a book called Sarah's Key. I can't remember the author. But it was great. I'm going through a WWII phase at the moment. The book started out horrible and then halfway through it got absolutely unbelievable. Go read it. However, I do hope it doesn't give you a dream when one minute you're at a swimming pool in a manor house and then you're being moved to a concentration camp. Because that happened to me. Okay, I'm done with these books for the moment.

I can actually probably get this in time for Peep Show or something. Only 9:49, Jesus, I'm learning to use my time well. Other than that, go listen to Gold Panda, I'm obsessed with Manchester Orchestra, and Peter Doherty is wittier than you are I will ever be, regardless of his mental state. I bet that's why journalists fuck with him so much. JEALOUS. haha. anyway, see you guys some other time.

- Naomi