I haven't blogged in almost a month. Why? Time, of course. My lack thereof. And I can't pretend that I have any super interesting hush-hush-soon-to-be-revealed projects going on, either. it's just I'm always doing homework and when I'm not doing homework all I wanna do is watch Black Books and sleep and all. Also? I find the "hey guys, sorry it's been a while, I've been pretty busy but you know important things X, Y, and Z have happened" blogging style difficult because even that is an exaggeration of the excitement of my life. honest to god.
sophomore year was going well and then for whatever reason it just nosedived in the beginning of december or so. Maybe I'm not seeing clearly, but everything seemed to get a hell of a lot worse. then I wanted to do things even less than I did before. It's a fine line between being a little bit stressed while getting a little less than an ideal amount of sleep and, like, existential crisis. existential crisis is hyperbole, but you know, some things just weren't good.
the semester ended today. I've spent the last few hours listening to the Flaming Lips and trying not to come last place in rainbow road. I feel like i always have to be busy, so this is refreshing. Finals went decently. I unconsciously decided not to care about them at all, so I fairly comprehensively fuck them up in most cases. My English final was today and we had to analyze a Sylvia Plath poem which made me so happy oh my god those little angsty fifteen year old girl things. also Pride and Prejudice. is it worth reading because obviously I should read it but this just...wasn't for me? it was just at a party and I probably shouldn't judge it by that. also everyone should shut up about mr darcy being awful because i mean, yeah, that's true but everyone seems to suck. like everyone stop being so silly and dishonest at parties and everything. (damn my inner mr darcy? actually my inner mr darcy isn't very well hidden at all). hmmm. I need to read more, actually. It's my main goal of the new semester. I've had Dr. Sax (Kerouac) and two Nabokov books on the go for too long. Reading's tough because I need to get into a cycle to do it, you know? I like reading but I'm so far from being the most avid reader ever.
this doesn't relate at all to anything I have said or am going to say, but I saw Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy this weekend and it was very good. They did 70s Britain very, very well. anyway.
Tomorrow I have gym (so...we meet again...), chemistry, algebra, and spanish. I have study every other day. I'm hoping for an easier semester. the only thing that worries me is chemistry, cause it's a junior class and everything. I'm anticipating it either being considerably harder or considerably easier than I expect. So far I know three sophomores in there so far and not to be cruel or judgemental or anything (me? never!) but they're all dumb and awful and I hate them.
sadly, you might just be up to date on my life now. so why am I telling you this? because I don't know about the whole blogging thing anymore. I like blogging and I like writing and stuff, but I kinda wanna be more, like, mentally stable next semester so I wanna keep anything that might be an added burden away from me. I have a tumblr if it means anything? It's about as hipster as can be but I might update there. Also a twitter. I'm Tragic Eyes. I gave myself this name in 7th grade and have yet to change it. I'll certainly try to update here, god knows I want to. hell, next semester could be a breeze and I could be back here posting regularly. I don't know. I'll reblog sometimes, with something, promise. I hope to find some stability at some point.
so, yes, until next time, everyone. thanks and everything.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
january
Guys, it’s Thursday. And school has started. And I’m
pretty sad. The Christmas stuff comes down tomorrow. I have too much homework
(already!). Work to rule is in action at the school; nothing much has changed.
It’s looking like it isn’t going anywhere any time soon. I don’t have time for
anything. All I want to do is listen to the National, read Kerouac, and watch
Black Books. Wish I was less uptight.
This is my fave song at the moment.
It looks very januaryish outside. This week has been
cold as hell, but god forbid I dress for it. Sickeningly underprepared. January
is a nice month, if you get rid of all the going-back-to-school and
so-much-for-Christmas and the fact that nothing ever happens stuff.
Aesthetically, I mean, it’s nice. So not to be even more pretentious than I
normally am, but Scotland is like my favorite place ever, in terms of how it
looks, and this is when it most looks like Scotland. Typical cold refreshing
sky. Edinburgh is my favorite city. Also, not sure how practical the idea of
actually living in remote Scotland (even Edinburgh) is. Ironically, I couldn’t
deal with the cold. So. This will suffice. But you get this in a lot of places.
So yeah. I. Can’t. Write. Words. I really hope anyone reading has an adverse
interest in my favorite places and their weather patterns?
A new, interesting phenomena this week. I can’t
breathe properly. My mom says it’s anxiety. Seems unlikely for the first week
back. I’m not an overly anxious person...well, I’m very often at a sort of
tolerable level of anxiety, never rarely unable-to-breathe- type panic. I’m not
sick otherwise. Interesting how it coincides with going back to school. Is it
really that bad for me? If so, that’s sad. And troubling. Also it’s giving me
headaches cause I feel lightheaded a lot of the time. And sounding asthmatic
isn’t really fun in social situations...which is school. So, yeah. I don’t know
why I’m telling you this. Probably cause I can’t function properly this week or
talk to anyone. Hope you aren’t overly repulsed.
Everyone gets sad going back to school. Most
everyone. And you think the world is gonna end when you go back. And on the
afternoon after the first day back, my mom’ll ask how it went, and I won’t have
anything to say(‘how strange’ you may be asking, but I’m ignoring this). And
with that all your previous uncertainties vanish and life goes on. But this
time I come home, and it’s like “yeah, this girl I barely know talked to me for
fifteen minutes about how easy she thinks all school work is, my math teacher
made me move for no reason, people in my history class think communism and
fascism are just about the same thing, I hate myself for being so judgmental
when I promised myself I’d improve this year, I’m tired as sin, and did I
mention I’m gonna be up all hours doing homework? I’m really not so okay”.
This, or any variation on it, has never happened before. Plus the dog that’s
staying with us is still here, and there’s Christmas stuff everywhere. Sorry to
moan.
It was especially awful to dive head first back into
the english seminar stuff. My god. I didn’t realize it was a, like,
first-day-back thing. I didn’t speak on the first day. But on the 2nd
I finally got the nerve to tackle it all again. With the breathing, too, it was
especially awful. Hell. I didn’t have anything to say. This is always more
awful. Also I have a project in this class. Hell again.
The only halfway interesting thing that happened in
20th century this week was an actual debate. Like, moving all the
tables together and everything, oh my god. Forced debates....guys, I’m not even
going there. This one was awkward cause no one wanted to talk. We were supposed
to talk about affirmative action; we ended up at ear damage. I’m sitting next
to someone who never stops talking and accidentally making eye contact with
people across the table. And the goddamn breathing is really awful when no one’s
talking—and, this just makes it worse. Of course! Damn...whatever it is that’s
causing this. Don’t really wanna go to school because of it.
This week in bio, we talked about meiosis and
probability and I was humiliated at my lack of skill when it comes to
probability. I wonder why this is. I’m decent enough with math. I wonder why
I’m thinking about this too much, too. But I love genetics. God, I love genetics. One of my favorite areas of
science, definitely. Genetics and microbiology, pathology, stuff like that is
where my interests lie. Biology person. Why do I talk so much? This is a post
of questions and I am annoying and so tired, so much more than I should be.
Black Books is still cool. Bernard Black is
still cool. Dylan Moran is still. I’m still reading a lot of Kerouac when I
have time and hey I think I might like Pink Floyd revelations. Nevertheless, I’m
busy. And tired. And sad. Still. So I should leave you now I guess.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
hi
I’ve finished the second season of Black Books. Second season is better than the first. The whole
thing’s just better than I expected. Even when the jokes aren’t that great, it has a real charm about it. It’s fun cause try as one likes to deny it you do become a bit pulled in by the whole eccentric quirky book shop thing (bear with me) even though that is something made fun of quite a lot in the show. ‘Coffee and books and sofas that eat you are a fad’. Someone go and tell my english teacher. Also, Bernard Black brings his record player with him on vacation. Just that and books and wine. Tell me he isn’t just the best? I’m holding off on the third season for a bit, addicted though I may be, just cause there are so few episodes of this show. The next thing I have to watch is Father Ted, which I’m worried might be a bit dated, but apparently it’s a lot like Black Books. Although, as it’s kinda lacking in the...Dylan Moran department I’m not sure how I’ll like it. This is shameful. Oh and I totally need to see Fawlty Towers at same point.
My aunt left today. School starts the day after tomorrow. I went for a walk earlier. It’s all so sad. Good thing British Christmases last twelve days.
This week my family tried to convince me to get out of the house and go to Newport under the premise that it’s “all very Great Gatsby” . .I needed to do something other than eat After Eight Mints, anyway. My parents got into an argument while we were out. They’re passive aggressive to an extreme, so everything just builds up over time and makes things so unpleasant. I feel bad for my aunt—silent fighting in a crowded coffee shop, jesus, it was awful. Nevertheless, I haven’t been to Newport before and it was good. I learned that pineapples are a symbol of hospitality. If you couldn’t afford to buy your very own pineapple back whenever this was, you could rent them. Whether these were real or not, I couldn’t say. I’m not sure how one would make a realistic-looking pineapple without the aid of plastic. My sister has a thing about pineapples: no one’s sure why. These damn pineapples were over every quirky gift shop my mother decided we should go to. It was very cold to walk around. We only went into one mansion, the Brakers. Kinda interesting. I liked the layout of the thing, like the landing and things (oh—and the pantry!) but if I was there it’d need some serious redecorating. They had christmas trees decorated only with creepy oversized angels. The house looks right out into the sea, which is particularly nice from one empty roon which I’m assuming was some sort of dining room at one time or another. We drove around and I listened to the Raincoats, who are totally lovely. I’d go again.
Here’s yet another christmas cliche: I saw the Nutcracker for the first time a couple of days ago. Going into Boston for any event is always exciting in a sort of naive, one-dimensional, childish way. I’ll defend Boston; Boston’s a cool place. Although, it was very cold and we did get lost somewhere in China Town while looking for the theater district. The theater district is the best bit of Boston. Although it was scarily busy there, it’s something I wish I’d seen at least once when I was younger. It’s nice seeing all the really young kids who are so into it. I guess it’s not such a big thing in England. The ballet itself I liked; I should pay more attention to ballet. Second half dragged. I’d see it again. And the music, guys, the music! Tchaikovsky’s really kinda great, in my eyes.
And really other than all of this I haven’t done much. Watched the stage version of Sweeney Todd last night. Operatic, man, too operatic. I’m disappointed. Green Finch and Linnet Bird should not be sung the way that girl did it. She sounded manic. And if it’s possible to make Sweeney Todd darker, then the musical did that more than the movie. The Judge and Lucy were much more creepy. Basically it was fine except they screwed up much of the music. We’ve also been playing trivial pursuit here, typical christmas party nonsense, which is fine until I practically fall into existential crises cause I can’t identify chakras or fashion logos. I’m also into puzzles at the moment. Jigsaw puzzles are great; I’ve done three this week. Achievement. And I’m binging in chocolate.
Oh how I don’t want this week to end, guys. Because school sucks and I just wanna sleep and watch TV and walk around Lowell without meaning except maybe finally finding Kerouac’s grave (we tried again this week—I swear to god the graveyard never ends?) , and do nothing at all. A sedentary existence, at least temporarily, would suit me just fine. I don’t wanna work and see people and wake up early and work and be stressed and not get to watch Black Books all the time. Winter break should last longer. A good fortnight would be preferred. That or maybe we shouldn’t have as much fucking work to do when we’re at school and the school system shouldn’t be as shitty as it is now. I also imagine if I used grades to justify myself less often, my life would be better. But that is a vicious cycle, also something I intend to break out of as a resolution. Others include not being as judgmental and comparing myself to other less. They all tie together, I know.
Off to one last night of almost enough sleep, and listening to the national and the horrors
I like to make lists of
my favorite singles of the year at the end of each one. Note the difference
between ‘singles’ and ‘songs’. This is out of laziness. Because, you know, I
just listen to SO MUCH MUSIC that I COULDN’T POSSIBLY COMPLILE A LIST OF MY
FAVORITE SONGS I mean jesus that’d take too long I spend far too much time
listening to my MUSIC to do anything like that.
Anyway. this year I
can’t be bothered to write why these songs are good, so you’ll have to make do
without. I've been honest and added guilty pleasures. Also it’s in top 40 form because I’m tacky and unoriginal.
40.) Arctic Monkeys--Don't Sit Down 'Cause I've Moved Your Chair
39.) Warpaint--Undertow
38.) The Script--If You Ever Come Back
37.) Lady Gaga--Born This Way
36.) Elbow--Neat Little Rows
35.) The Antlers--Every Night My Teeth are Falling Out
34.) Adele--Rolling In the Deep
33.) Hurts--Illuminated
30.) The Script--Science and Faith
31.) Bon Iver--Calgary
30.) Lady Gaga--Edge of Glory
29.) Cat's Eyes--Face in the Crows
28.) Lady Gaga--Judas
27.) Kaiser Chiefs--Little Shocks
26.) Elbow--Open Arms
25.) Bjork--Crystalline
24.) tUnE yArDs--Bizness
23.) Robyn--Call Your Girlfriend
22.) Lady Gaga--Marry the Night
21.) Black Keys--Lonely Boy
20.) Wavves--I Wanna Meet Dave Grohl
19.) Nicki Minaj--Super Bass
18.) Manchester Orchesta--Simple Math
17.) Arctic Monkeys--the Hellcat Spangled Banner
16.) Anna Calvi--Blackout
15.) Patrick Wolf--This City
14.) Hurts--Sunday
13.) Arctic Monkeys--Suck it and See
12.) PJ Harvey--the Words That Maketh Murder
11.) Florence & the Machine--What the Water Gave Me
10.) Bombay Bicycle Club--Lights Out, Words Gone
9.) Kasabian--Days are Forgotten
8.) Wild Beats--Bed of Nails
7.) Florence & the Machine--Shake It Out
6.) Elbow--Lippy Kids
5.) Bon Iver--Holocene
4.) Amanda Meir--Doubts
3.) Lana Del Ray--Video Games
2.) Bjork--Virus
1.) Grouplove--Tongue Tied
So there you go, it’s
not as good a list as usual, if you could ever call those good, cause this year
has been more busy for me than all the previous ones. I’m also sorry it’s late.
It’s 2012 now. Happy new year.
Ever since staying up to midnight stopped
being a novelty, I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t really like new
years. It makes sense cause it signals the end of the break, more or less. And
the end of a year, I’ve course. I’ve no real attachment to 2011, or any real
bad feelings about it, either so I shouldn’t care. But whenever we stay up to
midnight and watch the fireworks and times square and stuff on new years, it
just feels weird and sad. I’m always puzzled by how happy people are on the TV
cause I don’t get that. It’s a feeling that lingers even when the few minutes
into the new year lose their specialness altogether and you just move on with
life as normal. Yeah. It was especially bad this year, for whatever reason. I
just didn’t want it to happen at all.
If you’re interested, my year went
as follows: I basically hated winter cause I felt like it sucked up my ability
to remember anything (I can count February memories on one hand), watched a lot
of Mitchell and Webb, i moved between hating everyone i know and loving
everyone, didn’t sleep enough, ate too much, got a tumblr, saw james blunt ironically
with my mom, got into sweeney todd in a big way, saw manchester orchestra twice
(may, november), arctic monkeys, tim minchin, the script, the National (who I
had decided some months previously were my favorite band: following a summery
fling with Manchester Orchestra), V Festival, niagara falls, had a great
summer, went to england, thick of it obsession, Submarine obsession, wrote a
shitty novel in a month, and at the end of the year got really into Black Books
and basically anything in which Dylan Moran is involved in some way.
I’ve finished the second season of Black Books. Second season is better than the first. The whole
thing’s just better than I expected. Even when the jokes aren’t that great, it has a real charm about it. It’s fun cause try as one likes to deny it you do become a bit pulled in by the whole eccentric quirky book shop thing (bear with me) even though that is something made fun of quite a lot in the show. ‘Coffee and books and sofas that eat you are a fad’. Someone go and tell my english teacher. Also, Bernard Black brings his record player with him on vacation. Just that and books and wine. Tell me he isn’t just the best? I’m holding off on the third season for a bit, addicted though I may be, just cause there are so few episodes of this show. The next thing I have to watch is Father Ted, which I’m worried might be a bit dated, but apparently it’s a lot like Black Books. Although, as it’s kinda lacking in the...Dylan Moran department I’m not sure how I’ll like it. This is shameful. Oh and I totally need to see Fawlty Towers at same point.
My aunt left today. School starts the day after tomorrow. I went for a walk earlier. It’s all so sad. Good thing British Christmases last twelve days.
This week my family tried to convince me to get out of the house and go to Newport under the premise that it’s “all very Great Gatsby” . .I needed to do something other than eat After Eight Mints, anyway. My parents got into an argument while we were out. They’re passive aggressive to an extreme, so everything just builds up over time and makes things so unpleasant. I feel bad for my aunt—silent fighting in a crowded coffee shop, jesus, it was awful. Nevertheless, I haven’t been to Newport before and it was good. I learned that pineapples are a symbol of hospitality. If you couldn’t afford to buy your very own pineapple back whenever this was, you could rent them. Whether these were real or not, I couldn’t say. I’m not sure how one would make a realistic-looking pineapple without the aid of plastic. My sister has a thing about pineapples: no one’s sure why. These damn pineapples were over every quirky gift shop my mother decided we should go to. It was very cold to walk around. We only went into one mansion, the Brakers. Kinda interesting. I liked the layout of the thing, like the landing and things (oh—and the pantry!) but if I was there it’d need some serious redecorating. They had christmas trees decorated only with creepy oversized angels. The house looks right out into the sea, which is particularly nice from one empty roon which I’m assuming was some sort of dining room at one time or another. We drove around and I listened to the Raincoats, who are totally lovely. I’d go again.
Here’s yet another christmas cliche: I saw the Nutcracker for the first time a couple of days ago. Going into Boston for any event is always exciting in a sort of naive, one-dimensional, childish way. I’ll defend Boston; Boston’s a cool place. Although, it was very cold and we did get lost somewhere in China Town while looking for the theater district. The theater district is the best bit of Boston. Although it was scarily busy there, it’s something I wish I’d seen at least once when I was younger. It’s nice seeing all the really young kids who are so into it. I guess it’s not such a big thing in England. The ballet itself I liked; I should pay more attention to ballet. Second half dragged. I’d see it again. And the music, guys, the music! Tchaikovsky’s really kinda great, in my eyes.
And really other than all of this I haven’t done much. Watched the stage version of Sweeney Todd last night. Operatic, man, too operatic. I’m disappointed. Green Finch and Linnet Bird should not be sung the way that girl did it. She sounded manic. And if it’s possible to make Sweeney Todd darker, then the musical did that more than the movie. The Judge and Lucy were much more creepy. Basically it was fine except they screwed up much of the music. We’ve also been playing trivial pursuit here, typical christmas party nonsense, which is fine until I practically fall into existential crises cause I can’t identify chakras or fashion logos. I’m also into puzzles at the moment. Jigsaw puzzles are great; I’ve done three this week. Achievement. And I’m binging in chocolate.
Oh how I don’t want this week to end, guys. Because school sucks and I just wanna sleep and watch TV and walk around Lowell without meaning except maybe finally finding Kerouac’s grave (we tried again this week—I swear to god the graveyard never ends?) , and do nothing at all. A sedentary existence, at least temporarily, would suit me just fine. I don’t wanna work and see people and wake up early and work and be stressed and not get to watch Black Books all the time. Winter break should last longer. A good fortnight would be preferred. That or maybe we shouldn’t have as much fucking work to do when we’re at school and the school system shouldn’t be as shitty as it is now. I also imagine if I used grades to justify myself less often, my life would be better. But that is a vicious cycle, also something I intend to break out of as a resolution. Others include not being as judgmental and comparing myself to other less. They all tie together, I know.
Off to one last night of almost enough sleep, and listening to the national and the horrors
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