school tomorrow and feeling pretty horrible about it. haven't felt this bad since...oh yeah, the last time I was back at that place.
I've found I tend to like school until this exact point in time every year(if three years counts as every year). this is the point at which point everything, all the happiness and warmth and kindness, starts to crumble away. homework is killing me--no really, I almost literally cannot do it. Music, books, TV, sleep--boring but, yes, they are my bread and butter. high school, I would like those things back, please. now. or else my being starts to deteriorate. and thus, potential angst becomes kinetic angst. tada.
I'm probably gonna find out how my science project went tomorrow. here's another chapter to the now-forgotten Peep Show Moment of the Post Chronicles; "allakazoo allakazam, let's see just how fucked I am" - Mark. Good isn't it? And appropriate. I'm expecting for the essay...gosh, I dunno, could honestly be anywhere from an F to an A, it's all about the damn bibliography. handout, a B minus. presentation...B? C? it's anyone's call. My. grade. is. such. a. mess. It's not even in the A range anymore which is massively annoying. grrr. I would like at least honors this term. this is all causes insane amounts of stress and makes school increasingly unpleasant. then of course finals are in about three weeks and I'm worried if I let myself think of them too much, I will have some sort of break down or aneurysm. is there more than one sort of aneurysm? whatever, science is gonna be a disaster in the grades/sanity respect, geometry not good generally, spanish not good and annoying as hell, gym horrible, all round things are pretty bad.
good thing I have a study hall tomorrow. three hours of homework, they say? yeah, maybe if my homework was at my (12-year-old) sister's level. no, it's actually closer to five. or more! depending. people think I'm crazy when I do a very insignificant portion of my homework during the ten or so minutes of free time I have during lunch. but I'm not! I just want to have a life! How come everyone else can manage and I have to resort giving up half my lunch break? actually, some good ol' snobby Richard Dawkins literature is more on the menu tomorrow, unless I have ridiculous amounts of homework(more likely than not), but my point stands. too much goddamn homework! It's so sad.
then of course there's the people. with the except of a handful of nice people, most of whom I rarely see, I've concluded that everyone is naive, boring, shallow, and mostly, utterly, utterly trite. this does include a lot of the people I know to be vastly more intelligent, talented, thoughtful, and friendly than myself, because even they inexplicably end up fitting in same lame stereotype. they are all the same and it's beyond me how they could even turn out that way. am I much better? probably not, I'm just a kinda mishmash of my odd mind and whatever society has thrown at me. it bothers me nonetheless. get your own damn personality, okay? also, don't start talking about 'drama' because honestly unless this directly affects me I couldn't be less interested in her and him and her and her and her and her and she said this which caused her to say that which caused someone to join too many whiny Facebook groups. your friendships are petty and fake and you just need to grow up. and for another matter, don't call me 'sweet', don't call me normal, don't tell me what I think about(yes, this happens.), don't tell me how I behave, don't assume stuff about me. I'm done. I shall become a recluse and live off Richard Avedon photos, fashion blogs, and sugar. I want to be rid of these people.
back to the world of being forced to talk, too, often by my geometry teacher. like, screw that. If someone at my table wants help with a math problem then I will help you as best I can(probably). however, I very much enjoy working by myself and become such a self-absorbed bitch when told to do otherwise. that can't be helped very easily, I'm afraid. believe it or not, 21st Century America, there's nothing wrong with this side of my personality and I can't help it. my geometry teacher would rather us have too many recreational conversations in class than not talk at all. that makes perfect sense. people say the most stupid things and I'm the odd one for not commentating my entire life. keep it in your head, please. I think the desirability of these traits in this culture is very, very sad indeed.
misanthropy session over, happy new year everyone. I spent New Years eve drawing a poster with my sister, in Dunkin Donuts, dreading tomorrow, watching DVDs and the like. I don't actually like new years that much. I'm the only one who finds something decidedly hollow in the fireworks and the champagne and the staying up till midnight. something about the endlessness and insignificance of it all--quite the contrary to what most people feel, I know. also the knowledge of january's arrival is lonesome. I'm pretty much dead until April. though, weirdly I was comfortable with bare arms yesterday it was so warm, and the snow's melting. I went for a walk. our car got stuck in the barely-there snow. it's also an FJ Cruiser. a couple levels of irony there.
today I went to the mall. 'bout it. I watched Getting On for hours on end. feeling pretty terrible for most of it, due to reasons mostly explained above. I'm here now. listening to iron and wine. I'm avoiding my homework. did I mention feeling pretty terrible? yeah, that too!
I want to sleep and week up for FRebruary vacation.
I'm gonna go now, I need to get my bag and rest. good night.
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Homework Has Made Me Go Peep Show Cold Turkey(Almost)!
Hello.
You know what I miss? Being bored. Having time. Doing nothing. All of that. I'm having a particularly difficult time with homework lately, I'm not sure why. Yes, everyone is sort of struggling with keeping up with its enormous amount, but I in particular seem to be having problems. In terms of time, especially. Okay, so I do sort of do homework on and off during the day, but still, it's not that bad and I started at 2:55, finished at about eight oclock. And I had study hall today! This. Is. Madness. In fact, forget that, this is unhealthy and ridiculous. Perhaps it's the fault of the classes. I could go into an easier class...but I don't think my self esteem could forgive me. It sounds silly but I couldn't live with that.
And this is why I'm on the verge of tears, losing my mind, panicking, and half considering giving up entirely. I cannot do this.
Hell, guess what, I was having a panic after I'd finished my HW, and my mum knows of my new obsession and how indulging it would help me feel better, she was like "Okay, we can watch an episode of Peep Show later". And do you know what I said? I said "I don't think I have time, but maybe". Becuse that is the truth. And when I, who can average four or five episodes of this show on a day on a weekend, cannot fit in one episode on a weekday because of homework, then you know something has gone seriously wrong. and it's very sad. I miss my daily Mark Corrigan fix. But more I miss the knowledge that that fix is a given--depdent on nothing.
Right now I'm gonna blog on both(both as in plural, yes--www.mykingdomforonelastdance.blogspot.com) blogs and listen to The National's High Violet with my big headphones. and it will help. I'm not exactly sure what Matt Berninger is singing about a lot of the time, but all I know is he seems pretty down, too, and he is a baritone so it is very comforting.
The ironic thing is, I may hate school when I'm a t home, but I like it when I'm there. Actually, I like it a lot. In some ways the classes are killing whatever self confidence I had before, but today I brought my iPod on the bus, I read my book in the both vile and relaxing experience that is lunch and my lunch table, only got slightly bored in physical science, found geometry moved easily and fast, and Spanish isn't half bad. I like the classes. It's kinda testing my introvetrtedness but it's easy to fight back, and waking up is a pain, but it pays off. I quite like my teachers. And study hall or gym at the end of the day. it's good. The only thing I'm seriously worried for is Wednesday without study hall, when I have piano, and I don't know what I'll do.
I have had no time for piano and I feel very upset, because I was moving so well with it last year. I can only blog some days. I can't spend time finding new bands online. I haven't had the chance to draw all week. I haven't done guitar in forever. Some days I can't even read. In these afternoons, I am a bt miserable.
Oh, I am a whiny teenager, aren't I?
Anyway, it doesn't help to have a crap week because I had such an amazingly relaxing weekend. Saturday I went to the mall with my family and Natalie's friend. It was mostly for the friend but the mall is the only thing of a very commercial nature(except some of the onternet, I suppose) that I can stomach right now and I haven't been in a while and it was really fun. I looked around the clothes shops but didn't buy. On an other note, it's getting weirder and weirder, mainstream fashion, sort of. Also, while I will never forgive FYE for not having Libs or Babyshambles or Peter Doherty(a February '10 obsession, FYI), I do give them credit for Jonsi and Freelance Whales. I've only had the chance for FW so far but what I've heard is profoundly beautiful. Give me twee lyrics any day, I don't care! Wire my heart to your synthesizers please. Your music is so beautiful. Also, I got a smoothie and got out of the house. Oh, and on Monday me and my mom went fruit picking I can't beleieve I don't do it more, it's one of my favorite activites, I guess you could say. it's great being out in the summer sun, picking rasberries, looking under peach trees, and then we got icecream and the farm is so...farmlike and so absolutely folksy and lovely. I'm in love with that place. The sun says it's still summer--so, in my book, it is.
One thing I've mixed feelings on. Could the stores please stop saying it's autumn? Because it. is. not. autumn. yet. I don't like autumn that much. Okay, I suppose there's something stunning and hypnotic about the leaves, halloween, the nice weather, fruit picking again, goingfor walks, all of that. Autumn was amazing for me last year. actually, what am I saying, I love autumn. Love it. But it's not summer. Only I can see something as beautiful as autumn and think "everything is...dying", right? It's just I can seriously barely handle the winter I hate it so much and from January, February, to March, I don't know what I'll do. it's a good thing it's only September.
The only other news is that I've spent the week opposing the common 21st century idea of 'feminism'. I really wanna discuss it so much but I'm done here. I haave organge juice, music, and the internet. In 8th grade I would say time to kill--now I would say time to savor. I hope next time I write here I'm in a better mood.
Until then!
- Naomi
You know what I miss? Being bored. Having time. Doing nothing. All of that. I'm having a particularly difficult time with homework lately, I'm not sure why. Yes, everyone is sort of struggling with keeping up with its enormous amount, but I in particular seem to be having problems. In terms of time, especially. Okay, so I do sort of do homework on and off during the day, but still, it's not that bad and I started at 2:55, finished at about eight oclock. And I had study hall today! This. Is. Madness. In fact, forget that, this is unhealthy and ridiculous. Perhaps it's the fault of the classes. I could go into an easier class...but I don't think my self esteem could forgive me. It sounds silly but I couldn't live with that.
And this is why I'm on the verge of tears, losing my mind, panicking, and half considering giving up entirely. I cannot do this.
Hell, guess what, I was having a panic after I'd finished my HW, and my mum knows of my new obsession and how indulging it would help me feel better, she was like "Okay, we can watch an episode of Peep Show later". And do you know what I said? I said "I don't think I have time, but maybe". Becuse that is the truth. And when I, who can average four or five episodes of this show on a day on a weekend, cannot fit in one episode on a weekday because of homework, then you know something has gone seriously wrong. and it's very sad. I miss my daily Mark Corrigan fix. But more I miss the knowledge that that fix is a given--depdent on nothing.
Right now I'm gonna blog on both(both as in plural, yes--www.mykingdomforonelastdance.blogspot.com) blogs and listen to The National's High Violet with my big headphones. and it will help. I'm not exactly sure what Matt Berninger is singing about a lot of the time, but all I know is he seems pretty down, too, and he is a baritone so it is very comforting.
The ironic thing is, I may hate school when I'm a t home, but I like it when I'm there. Actually, I like it a lot. In some ways the classes are killing whatever self confidence I had before, but today I brought my iPod on the bus, I read my book in the both vile and relaxing experience that is lunch and my lunch table, only got slightly bored in physical science, found geometry moved easily and fast, and Spanish isn't half bad. I like the classes. It's kinda testing my introvetrtedness but it's easy to fight back, and waking up is a pain, but it pays off. I quite like my teachers. And study hall or gym at the end of the day. it's good. The only thing I'm seriously worried for is Wednesday without study hall, when I have piano, and I don't know what I'll do.
I have had no time for piano and I feel very upset, because I was moving so well with it last year. I can only blog some days. I can't spend time finding new bands online. I haven't had the chance to draw all week. I haven't done guitar in forever. Some days I can't even read. In these afternoons, I am a bt miserable.
Oh, I am a whiny teenager, aren't I?
Anyway, it doesn't help to have a crap week because I had such an amazingly relaxing weekend. Saturday I went to the mall with my family and Natalie's friend. It was mostly for the friend but the mall is the only thing of a very commercial nature(except some of the onternet, I suppose) that I can stomach right now and I haven't been in a while and it was really fun. I looked around the clothes shops but didn't buy. On an other note, it's getting weirder and weirder, mainstream fashion, sort of. Also, while I will never forgive FYE for not having Libs or Babyshambles or Peter Doherty(a February '10 obsession, FYI), I do give them credit for Jonsi and Freelance Whales. I've only had the chance for FW so far but what I've heard is profoundly beautiful. Give me twee lyrics any day, I don't care! Wire my heart to your synthesizers please. Your music is so beautiful. Also, I got a smoothie and got out of the house. Oh, and on Monday me and my mom went fruit picking I can't beleieve I don't do it more, it's one of my favorite activites, I guess you could say. it's great being out in the summer sun, picking rasberries, looking under peach trees, and then we got icecream and the farm is so...farmlike and so absolutely folksy and lovely. I'm in love with that place. The sun says it's still summer--so, in my book, it is.
One thing I've mixed feelings on. Could the stores please stop saying it's autumn? Because it. is. not. autumn. yet. I don't like autumn that much. Okay, I suppose there's something stunning and hypnotic about the leaves, halloween, the nice weather, fruit picking again, goingfor walks, all of that. Autumn was amazing for me last year. actually, what am I saying, I love autumn. Love it. But it's not summer. Only I can see something as beautiful as autumn and think "everything is...dying", right? It's just I can seriously barely handle the winter I hate it so much and from January, February, to March, I don't know what I'll do. it's a good thing it's only September.
The only other news is that I've spent the week opposing the common 21st century idea of 'feminism'. I really wanna discuss it so much but I'm done here. I haave organge juice, music, and the internet. In 8th grade I would say time to kill--now I would say time to savor. I hope next time I write here I'm in a better mood.
Until then!
- Naomi
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)