i was told to blog

this evening i went to a concert at school. afterwards my friend said i should blog about it(undoubtedly without a shred of confidence that I actually, y'know, would) but I literally don't know what else to be doing right now. hello.

I should warn you to expect incoherency, but if you've read anything at all here, and you're for whatever reason still here, then i assume you understand and accept it. you're a stronger person than i. well done.

I don't know what I actually thought about the ordeal. This much is certain:

1.) Bar stools should NOT be used in the context of music videos or performances ever. EVER. I don't really see why you'd willingly lower yourself to the standard of an early-2000s British boyband, but there you go. I don't really understand why the people on stage willingly lower themselves to the standards I saw tonight so I guess we're just very different people. These props were used I think three times tonight I think? One more time and i would've been personally responsible for removing them mid-song, I guarantee you. stop standing up and sitting down whenever the key changes.

2.) I don't recommend sitting front row for anything. Ametuers or professionals, it makes no difference. It'll just disappoint you. Everyone is more attractive and interesting and has more stage presence when you can only just make out what they look like, from fifty feet away, and you're squinting to see more. Five feet away and every flaw is on show!

3.) The dancing in these things has always bothered me. At the risk of going all Tumblr Justice Blogger on all of you, it all seems strangely objectifying...except male or female, I can never really properly identify who is being objectified... or how? I mean if people wanna dance a certain way it's up to them and i may find something objectifying (and yes, some of it is, unequivicocally so) but I honestly don't care if they don't find or objectifying or wanna be seen a cetain way. I'm mostly just interested in my own inability to locate what bothers me! I guess there's the costumes or something? Whatever! NOT PUSHING MY STANDARDS ON ANYONE GUYS PLEASE UNDERSTAND ME. It's just...interesting I guess. sorry it's too late to start forming opinions i won't regret.

4.) The theme was one hit wonders. I think this is my favorite one hit wonder if only because it accurately demonstrates why northern English accents don't work in pop music. While we're on the subject, I think we should all make an effort to propel this to full One Hit Wonder status. To be fair, this does have more than eight million views more since I last watched it. We're getting there.

5.) Amy Winehouse was not a one hit wonder I mean c'mon.

6.) There was an abundance of clunky piano chords. STEP AWAY FROM THE INSTRUMENT. please. it wasn't made for that. it's abuse. please step away slowly now just please stop.

7.) There are few things more deeply confusing to me than the obsession so many people have at the moment with the 80s. I...don't get it. What the hell was good about the 80s? I wanted to get super deep into this problem so i did a super elaborate investigation about it. (In other words, I went to find my mom and ask her. Her response: nothing was good). I'm inclined to agree. I mean...Reagan? Thatcher? Neon clothes? U2? Bad pop music? I always think big business too. I don't know. It's just all so icky, especially when sandwiched between the decades of total awesomeness that were the 70s and the 90s. I mean...you'd take big hair and lime green tanktops and duran duran over a.) being a total punk or flower child and listening to X Ray Spex and stuff (please ignore the disco) or b.) being all apathetic and shit and watching MTV and listening to smashing pumpkins? WHAT WORLD ARE YOU LIVING ON.

8.) Speaking of Thatcher, that is the middle name of our new principle. His name is so upper class English it's pretty terrifying.

9.) If you're the director of the music stuff at a school and to outsiders you already give off an air of weird authoritarianism(but in a really effeminate way?) smugness i personally just think giving us an unscheduled performance of your own as a treat makes you look silly. people could disagree with me so hard on this. my two cents.

10.) Don't perform Kung Fu Fighting. Just don't. It just won't go well. It won't. Please trust me.

11.) Oh god i'm such a judgemental dick but as it's my blog and it's late i'm not gonna limit myself too much when I say please do not willingly become a drama kid or associate yourself with drama kids enough that there's even the slightest risk you will become sorta like them. I'm sure...I mean, statistically some of them have gotta be pretty cool people right? It's just...it's gotta be possible. I don't mean people who just do the music stuff, I mean the people who just embody the whole song and dance of it all. Some of them have got to be okay. AND YET. i'm sorry i'm sure you're all lovely and i know stuff like this is your Thing not mine and seriously well done for performing and all that but please sometimes you act hyper and you ignore other people around you and sometimes you act kinda awful and sometimes you have facades that are like crystal clear and i'm sorry i'm so so sorry you just sort of exhaust me. i'm sorry.

12.) The ultimate lesson of the night: you should not perform 1985. I'm sorry. It's just...there was tinny music with no bass. There were oversized lopsided yellow tank tops. There were orange tights. there were legwarmers. there was bad miming. there was no irony. there was...a total lack of cohesion or competency in dancing or singing. there were malfunctioning microphones. there was fake enthusiasm. I'm sorry. Well done for performing. I'm not saying it's...awful? I'm just saying i've seen Holocaust documentaries that were less personally depressing to me. I'm sorry.

I'm not saying I had a bad time! It was fun for what it was worth. It really was! I'm being overly critical and stuff. PERFORMING TAKES SO MUCH BRAVERY etc etc etc.

Another day when i'm more conscious and stuff i'll talk about how it was just my birthday and i'm 16 and stuff but that time is not now. See, I blogged! Goodnight everyone.

i have nothing worth saying just so you all know

it's april vacation everyone. It's chiefly charactierzed by playing animal crossing, listening to Cymbals Eat Guitars, and eating too much. It's been good. I can't seem to sleep enough, which is tough, because damn am I tired. So yes. I don't have anything I want to do this weekend so staying on tumblr all day is pretty much okay with me. I've sort of lost the energy to do anything lately. I went out today, actually. that's it. I really don't wanna do anything.

since I last blogged I have
--1.) developed an insatiable desire to read all things vonnegut all the time forgive me. I am 15 years old and peuso-literary it was inevitable. (not that vonnegut isn't awesome) (he is). it's fun. i'm reading the Sirens of Titan at the moment. I like it a lot. I'm a sucker for authors that reference books in their other books. See, proof I don't read. All you readers are cringing but whatever I could end this bulletpoint thing with a So It Goes for good measure, couldn't I? I don't think I'm gonna. There.

2.) also read Pale Fire like wow Nabokov you kick ass at life I wish I was you.

3.) Read a book called Brief Interviews With Hideous Men by David Foster Wallace it's very very interesting you should all read that too.

(I should stop acting like I know what I talk about vis-a-vis books)

4.) Watched Brass Eye a lot. I say a lot. It got cancelled after 6 episodes in like 1997 or something. Nevertheless it is fantastic. I mean it's really something just for 90s nostalgia and anytone with a perverse interest in britcoms (hello), as far as I can tell. WATCH IT, THOUGH.

5.) got really excited cause I found out Armando Iannucci, the super awesome scottish comedy writer (or, as most journalists think he is best referred to as, 'satirist') who wrote The Thick of It, my favorite show in the world, wrote an American spinoff. it's called Veep and it's on HBO Sunday the 22nd a 10 oclock I think? Let me shamelessly advertise this, please. Then I found out my family doesn't get HBO. I don't watch TV enough to know this stuff. Now I can 'get the DVD for christmas'. So now I'm sad. Watch it for me and tell me it's awesome please?

6.) I saw Kasabian a few weeks ago. It was a very good show indeed. As for concerts, I am seeing Florence in a few weeks, Gogol Bordello in may, Radiohead and Laura Marling in June. I'm also seeing Matilda the Musical when I go to England this morning. It's winning awards all over the place, apparently. It's all very exciting I suppose.

7.) I should stop numbering these.

the weather got nice and stuff.

I watched miyazaki for the first time and now it's like the only stuff i want to watch.

i haven't seen the hunger games yet. i should see it.

School continues to amaze me in its awfulness. See, everyone says high school is awful and I breeze through freshman year wondering how that could possibly be the case, and then things really do turn bad and it feels like there's some self-fulfulling prophecy stuff going on and it bothers me. Really, though, it is actually terrible. I've dropped a whole letter grade in gym because everyday I'm faced at 7 in the morning with the choice between walking on a treadmill or reading Kurt Vonnegut and who can blame me for going the same way again and again and again? Chem is fine although the girl in front of me likes the show off her masterful skill in the area of fucking up my calculator's settings every single day, which frequently remains a problem for some time. I'm doing well in algebra it's fine. My spanish grade is hideous. We had 'foreign language week' this week; we got to sit in on a Chinese class. it was fun.

Oh yeah and now we have to select our courses for next year which is so much fun, of course. I'm doing Gym For People Who Really Really Really Hate Gym, an as-of-yet undecided science course (I wanted to take an AP if only because the non-APs don't interest me in the slightest, but I wasn't recommended for AP because my teacher is the sort of directly relates outgoingness with capability (see my last post)), boring old spanish, creative writing, a literature based english course too (currently deciding between whether I want to take a relatively easy course that allows me to read Steinbeck or a harder one where I have to read, like, ALL OF FRANKENSTEIN but that better prepares me for AP english), pre calc, psychology, and health and stuff. I have no idea why I'm telling you this. There you go.

This week I intend to sleep and everything. Everything's been okay, I guess. That's basically all this post is saying. I'm in a good place with new music right now so I suppose I'd better show you some of that. Have some songs that don't work together at all--

1.) Hey--Pixies
2.) Green Eyes--Wavves
3.) Cigarette Smoker Fiona--Arctic Monkeys
4.) By Your Side--CocoRosie
5.) Barbie Shit--Azealia Banks
6.) Lorelei--Cocteau Twins
7.) Voodoo Child--Jimi Hendrix
8.) Dramamine--Modest Mouse
9.) Sex Rules--Sky Ferreira
10.) And The Hazy Sea--Cymbals Eat Guitars
11.) Brave As A Noun--Andrew Jackson Jihad
12.) We Don't Care--Kanye West
13.) Brothers In Arms--Dire Straits
14.) Shine On Sweet Jesus--The Flaming Lips
15.) Kurt Vonnegut--Born Ruffians (don't roll your eyes at me!)
16.) Carry the Zero--Built To Spill
17.) Cut Your Hair--Pavement

good night all

school sucks

dear american high schools

I want to briefly ask a question that has crossed the mind of seemingly every single American person over the age of fourteen. Why is high school so fucking terrible? or, more importantly, why does it have to be this way? This isn't a serious self-righteous post that's taking any effort to write. It's late and I'm tired and bored and have nothing better to do. But over the past few months it's begun to dawn on me that I really don't like the school I go to at all. Took me long enough, I guess. I hated middle school. And sure no one liked middle school but there seemed a far greater amount of people who were just...ambivalent about it, I guess. Middle school was just a collection of kids in the age group no one could be bothered with. You know...between being too old to not have stuff to say and too young to have something worthy to say. Everyone vehemently defended their favorite bands and passionately read or passionately didn't read Twilight and pretended to be sugar high at dances and were loud and stuff. This isn't relevant; don't know why I'm telling you. It's interesting how high school is much more universally hated, though. I guess the reasons must be varied? Almost definitely just age. It's pretty clear I'm not the...teen drinking party hard type who has existential crises whenever they lose one of their many friends. Nothing wrong with this, I might add, it's just that this so isn't me and unless someone literally rewired my brain between now and senior year this will not be my High School Experience at all. It's occurred to me the pressure it is just to be a teenager. Not pressure exactly but, you know, being a Teenager is sold as a very very specific thing in culture. I don't know why. I don't know what I'd identify with if that pressure wasn't there? Not in a special snowflake way! Just in a This Is All So Contrived sort of way. I was thinking about Perks of Being a Wallflower and, believe me, I genuinely liked Perks, but I was always sort of put off because Charlie's supposed to be an outcast or whatever and then it's like...doing acid with the seniors. Sex. Drinking. Okay. I can't stress enough that whatever being in high school or a teenager means to you, there's nothing wrong with it, it's just that whenever anyone talks about being a teenager, they talk about "not knowing who you are yet", or something to that extent. So you're supposed to identify with stuff, right? Be it Charlie in Perks or hippies or punks or nerds, or something. I'm not referring to specifically labeling yourself with those words. And yet the portrayals of teens in the media is so fucking two-dimensional that there's sorta a paradox there. AIf you're not the most popular or cool kid in the world you're sorta expected to identify with Charlie at least partially and then it's like no, sorry, your High School Experience is too lame even for the lamest of kids.

Another problem with Perks, while I've mentioned it: the whole 'don't be passive!!!1' thing. Because people interact with the world in different ways. In Charlie's case, with the whole sexual abuse thing, sure it's different. But the theme so isn't as universal as I think the author intends it to be. I don't know what's so bad about not being particularly active one way or another. Yeah.

Problem #1 with high school and I'm not the first to identify it: shy or introverted? Sorry, you're an inferior person. Throughout middle school particularly when teachers gave like written evaluations instead of just letter grades, you can do perfectly well but if you're shy or introverted but it's always endlessly about not talking or participating or whatever. The problem runs rife in high school, too. I'm shy and introverted. Yes, I do know the difference. I just...genuinely happen to be both. Also,  I can be pretty damn aloof (presumably as a result of this?) which just makes things all the worse. I have been told off for not studying in groups. Studying. The process of reading things over and trying to store information in your brain, and talking if you have a question. How much more internal can you get? We do math problems in groups. In language classes, we write poems in groups. My gym teacher thinks you're odd if you just go into gym and exercise, rather than talking your head off for half of it. If you chose to work alone on something, it means you're self-centered or, horror of horrors, 'anti-social', a word which comes across like fingernails on a chalkboard to anyone who is either introverted or has any knowledge of what the word genuinely means. This...so doesn't need to be this way. For one thing, the best thing a school can do is to try to cater for as many learning styles as possible. That just....makes sense? For another thing, introverts and most people who are shy do just fine thank you very much in the Real World. And plenty of historical people we look up to were introverts. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong or inferior about being an extrovert. Nor is there anything wrong with group work...in moderation. It's just that what we're forced to do is not moderation in the slightest. what's that you don't wanna talk the entire time? sorry literally everyone needs that in the real world and you are a failed human being without it. whatever. Introverts and people who are reversed aren't rare or anything; it's so unecessarily.

I guess if you just put all these people who are supposed to be so Unsure About Their True Selves (which means they have all these facades and pretentions and stuff) in one place and they're conditioned to socialize people are gonna end up hating it. Hmmm. education systems have a tendency to be super shitty, cause what they're supposed to do is prepare you for the real world and make you interested in stuff but they really only reinforce all these customs and what's right and wrong and how you should behave and twist your self of self into frequently terrible places. and stuff. SOCIETY, MAN, SOCIETY. I guess I don't have any good reasons to hate high school, beyond disliking the sort of one-dimensional teaching methods preferred. it's just being with people and doing tedious stuff for several hours a day several days a week several months a year which shouldn't be that bad...and yet! look what we have! literally everyone fucking hates school! and each other! hoorah!

During middle school there were few things more distasteful to me than the people who had their lives planned out by age 12. and by that I mean, the sort of 12-year olds who spoke at length about the lawyers or doctors or whatever they were gonna be when they were older. actually I'm sticking exclusively with lawyers and doctors because that was all they ever wanted to be, or what their parents wanted them to be. I live in a hyper competitive area, school wise...like it's pretty intense. doctor and lawyer parents everywhere, man. these kids were everywhere too and it always bothered me that someone could just work towards one goal in life and not just appreciate everything that came before? I was even more self-righteous when back then, which is astonishing because I'm awful with that now. In hindsight, it was up to them I guess so I had no right to complain. Also, since school has become so invariably terrible at the moment, it definitely just makes more sense to me to wanna put more effort in now to get the hell out of this place and be comfortable. not that I'm going to, of course. nah god knows what I'm doing after high school, although it probably involves a middle of the road college, a useless major, and a disappointingly benign college social life. dunno. Had to take a college careers thing for school, thinking it'd be pretty innocuous and then found out after that counselors or whoever are actually gonna look at this stuff in junior year, or something. After they make you take a personality test (Myers Briggs, actually--my personal favorite of the various pseudosciences out there!) you write down preferred careers and colleges. I've put no thought into colleges so I literally picked at random from a giant list of 200-odd colleges. They ended up being in Wisconsin, Alaska, and Canada. Yeah.

Oh, here's a particular event. On thursday my gym teacher started talking about fitness terms (yuck) and changing up exercise routines and how our effort in this class will show in our grades. Whatever. Then she said we should work out because "spring's coming up soon, and you're gonna have to start wearing shorts and bathing suits again". Honest to god. (breath in breathe out, naomi). okay. I don't have the energy to talk about this in a particularly cohesive manner. a few problems, worth outlining though. #1.) Way to alienate the guys in the room. my school offers two different types of gyms and the way things worked out with this we have less than 5 guys in our class, compared to 20 odd girls. so I dunno, maybe it's kinda shitty for them? Or not? But it's basically acknowledging this is a girl-dominated class. Another thing, it's saying guys can't be insecure about their looks. And it's taking the first point about how female-oriented the class is and playing on stereotypes. Girls care about their looks so...let's play on that! Focus on the aesthetic benefits of exercise yeah! My teacher wants us all to be the best of friends. the main thing is that you're looking straight at this group of totally average adequately healthy people and you're saying "oh what, you think you look good enough? You're a healthy weight and you do exercise and eat decently? Oh yeah you're wrong. Bullshit. Yeah no way in hell can you be happy with how you look this summer unless you change. Yeah, you've got to change. You're not right the way you are". mother of fucking god. everyone is aware of this whole body-positive thing and even if it weren't hovering in low-level media light so often it is so easy to see that her statement is so fucking wrong. An adult human being telling that to a group of teenagers. This isn't usually schooly anger. I'm sorta just disgusted by the whole thing.

gym courses in school need a revamp. I just don't know how they should be changed. I guess I'm pretty sensitive to humiliation but I shouldn't be so concerned about going to a class as harmless as gym, for gods sake. Also apparently doing no more than the requirements means I'm not working out enough. even though big brother tracks everything I do in that class and it reflects in my grade (which should be no less than an A- damnit!) no apparently numbers don't actually reflect anything.

also, this doesn't really prove much of a point, but I'd like to mention that we spent the whole week in spanish writing poems. about mexican foods. as metaphors. Like...burritos can be complicated so compare them to people because some people are deep? My teacher's example, no less. I don't understand the world.

So ends my incomprehensible letter to the american high school. ps fuck you too?

 anyway.

february vacation was the best. I slept the entire time and read Slaughterhouse Five(the morning after finishing this I went and bought all of the Vonnegut books available in the closest book store. Was always slightly tentative of the idea of being a weird teenage Vonnegut geek, but who cares) and that was it. Also I went to New York City! Slightly unsure about going if only cause it robs me of sleep and stuff. It was good, though! The hotel we were staying in was crazy cause there was this teenage dance competition going on at the same time. One group (troupe?) was called A Touch Of Class; they displayed this in pink glitter pens on A4 paper outside all their rooms. I also saw Richard III; it was glorious. like awe-strikingly perfect. the play itself is okay I guess, since A Midsummer Night's Dream and R&J are they only other Shakespeare I've read I don't suppose Richard III is the best next step? it was compelling on stage. Don't really know how to talk about it, i guess. if you were in the first row you could've put you feet on the stage, which would've been pretty neat. and the actors were good and stuff. I so wanna see more Shakespeare plays now, if they're all this good! I don't even know how to talk about it; it was so much better than I could've ever expected! yeah. hmm. also Kevin Spacey was Richard III and it was set in the present day. So, so good. the rest of the trip was pretty hazy. It was super cold and windy so we were kinda restricted but we went to ground zero and just walked around and stuff? The best thing about new york is the little communities inside it. like of all of New York we just happened to find this little craft fair thing we'd been too 18 months before. the exact one! it was crazy. also we went to the same Italian restaurant and the waiter was surly and spoke in non-stop Italian to a woman about partying together in the 70s. Crazy stuff. Also Coney Island was glorious. Tiring weekend, but good. I just wanna go back yeah I could live at Coney Island sneak in and make myself a little nest in one of the old fair ground rides.

nothing much since then. Saw the Lorax. it snowed a lot and we didn't get the snow day we deserved. got tickets booked for england in the summer. got tickets for Radiohead and Laura Marling. got all nostalgic about england and summer and how I just want winter to end and I don't even know why. Most importantly I saw the Kaiser Chiefs. it was after an especially shitty few days and came as such a huge unexpected wonderful relief to life. Because Kaiser Chiefs are loud and energetic and never entirely serious but never entirely joking either and they are one of the best live bands out there that I know of, honest to god. and their support bands were even louder and stupider and were college guys who took their shirts off and people had written wars on the bathroom wars about whether or not art will save the world. (their conclusion: undecided).
And the simplicity of just being there and listening to this fun pop band you sorta loved when you were ten years old and hearing new songs and anticipating old songs and being all happy when the singer is five feet away from you is a breath of fresh air. It sounds like I’m having these uber complicated existential crises at the moment, which is not the case, it’s just I haven’t been to a gig in a while and it was such a relief. They made for a wonderful performance.


Also V lineup has been announced. Um, pretty good, you know. After three Vs the lineup tends to repeat but whatever, a festival is a festival. The Stone Roses will be headlining on Saturday...don’t know them very well at all but I guess they’ll be good. Also, Noel Gallagher that day. The Gallaghers hold no interest to me...whatsoever anymore. Not that they were ever really interesting but I was sorta into Morning Glory in 7^th grade. So, eh. Sunday is gonna be amazing cause the Killers are headlining again! Ah, so so wonderful. I miss those guys, and being 12 and the first time that a band actually means something to me and then waiting for Day and Age and going to four of their gigs and watching all their interviews. I miss obsessions like that. It’s been a while since I’ve seen them and I mean, seeing them headline V (again!) is really just a nostalgia trip for me, but I’m thrilled. Snow Patrol that day, too. They’re actually pretty good live; don’t be mislead by their music. Also, Tim Minchin’s playing and I have to see him because I absolutely adore Tim and need need need to see him play again. Frank Ocean’ll be good, I’ve really liked what I’ve heard so far. Frank Turner’s a real highlight for me, I can’t believe he’s playing but I love him so much and now I have to buy everything he has ever released. Friendly Fires are always fun. Happy Mondays are absolutely excellent live, seen them before. Keane, not bad if they don’t play too much of their recent stuff. Lissie, not bad. Madness, who are sort of one of the best live bands I’ve ever known? A must see. Miles Kane, I’d see. Nicki Minaj probably ironically but mostly because it seems like everyone kinda thought Nicki Minaj was pretty innocuous and then I blinked and suddenly everyone has started to wish physical harm on her and I don’t really get it? Noah and the Whale, good. Reverend and the makers. The Enemy. The Stranglers, probably just to see Golden Brown. That is a good song. And—Tom Jones! Will I see Tom Jones? Yes. Am I being ironic? I don’t really know myself. Still rumors for the Temper Trap and Miike Snow and stuff. I’m kinda more excited reviewing it all now than I was when it first got released. I dunno, I’m basically just looking forward to a low-key weekend and just being totally happy again and stff. Ah man, it’s gonna be good.

 My primary interests of the moment are sleeping, watching Brass Eye (new favorite TV show? Yes!), listening to Lightning Bolt, the Dear Hunter, and the Flaming Lips, and Vonnegut. That’s about it. Yeah.

february vacation

here's how the last week has gone down: gave my self another migrane (read: a day off school), listened to Crystal Castles, watched all of The Thick Of It Again, watched my Don't Be So Stressed plan shatter, and felt completely overjoyed with the start of february vacation.

things are getting better at school, definitely, albeit at rather too slow a pace. ups and downs, you know. The was a marked different, a good one, between the beginning and the end of the week. The day off was the best. I don't know that I necesserily deserved it, at least physically (?), but it was good. I also missed gym that day!

This week in short(ish): gym getting better. Still have an irrational disdain for exercise machines, in principle and practice. I look hopeless with the machines because evryone knows I feel out of place. I'm willing to risk severe next-day muscle pains in order to complete the required machine work in the quickest and most halpfhaard way possible. Then you can go into the cardio (exercise terminology, yuck) room, where Big Brother doesn't watch you and if you're me you can annoy everyone by sitting on a bike and looking into the distance for the next half hour. the problem is the interim between the two stages. cause the exercise bikes are the only machines I wanna use in the cardio roon, see. You have these weird and unecesserily complicated machines that involve you slowlyl moving your feet uyp and down I can't even begin to explain and automatically make people using them look silly, the 'elipticals' that rud you of some autonomy because yo're upposed to use your arms and legs, treadmills I loathe because they're the most obvious and energy consuming of the bunch, rowing machines are ridiculous, and they have this thing that makes you like eight feet off the ground and it's like an escalator and everytime I've seen someone use it they've almost flown off. Death by Obscure Exercise Machine is not desirable. so, exercise bikes, except their are only four of them? I looked confused beyond confused and aloof beyond aloof in the twenty minutes I wandered aimlessly between the two rooms waiting for one of the fucking bikes to open up. hmmm. yes. gym gym gym. also my teacher tries to be all friendly with everyone, far too much so. an irritating type of teacher, certainly. just leave me alone.

I was in a chemistry lab and the girls I was with spent the entire time talking about how their mothers ae encouraging them to go tanning in preperation for prom. Sigh, juniors. also we weighed pennies. I do not understand.

I dunno when I became a bad mathematician, but apparently I did. it's sad cause...I mean...algebra isn't the most uninteresting thing in the world? It can be fun sometimes? it's cool cause sometimes it's mindless repetition, sometimes it requires genuine (low-level) initiative and stuff. I dunno. Math, guys. pretty sure I did horribly in a test this week. C-range. Found out this is the first time my teacher has taught this class, so figures. I will be leninet with her. We've had a whole couple of classes just doing review and it's been really relaxed and fun. During the test someone started singing Jar of Hearts, starting off humming and building until belting. It was remarkably well done.

Another failed Spanish quiz, first speaking quiz too, listening to more bad Spanish pop songs, more forced talking ('mingling'), and so on. We had to make cartoons this week. i guess it was fun because it was low-key and ended the week. i guess.

I suppose I will make myself less stressed...at some point. I really do think it's important to see that happen. I'm just really tired and fighting sickness all the time and having existential crises during chemistry labs. I dunno.

february vacation could not be more timely. I guess i have a specific list of things I wanna do this week and i guess I'll achieve none of them. I wanna read and listen to music and watch movies and sleep and stuff. I'll never do all of that as much as I'd want. Also we're going to New York next weekend! We're seeing Richard III and I suppose doing some generic tourist-y stuff. I'm excited to compare winter New York to summetr New York. And road trips are genuinely one of my favorite things in the world. There's just something about them. I'm so excited.

An interesting thing is there's no snow on the ground for the first february I've been here and I want it to stay that way. I don't like winter much. Also it's weird to think I went through this huge Peter Doherty phase like this time two years ago. Doesn't seem like that long ago. This is the first february since I've lived here that I haven't associated with either Peter Doherty or being miserable. hmmm.
I started reading Slaughterhouse Five this week. I like it so far. This is my introduction to Vonnegut. God I feel so behind, at seems like everyone loves Vonnegut. It's really interesting. And I'm talking like...it parallels obsessions with One Direction and the Hunger Games and stuff. The fandom itself is impressive enough. Dammit I never read anything I'm so goddamn illiterate, I just wanna spend the entire week reading reading reading. Also watching the Thick Of It because it truly is the best show out there right now. Every line is clever, i think. I can't wait till it returns.

Msusic: Laura Marling (the most recent album is glorious and she is brilliant). The Flaming Lips still. Finally listened to Girls and they're basically the epitome of 2011 Surf Pop but some of their stuff is kinda interesting. I don't always get surf pop and it seems like everyone else does. M.I.A. is wonderful and I don't care what anyone else thinks. Pink Floyd, surprisingly, I will listen to Dark Side of the Moon this week. Smashing Pumpkins, just Mellon Chollie and Siamese Dream though. 9those two are more than enough). Janis Ian is interesting. Yuck, who sound like bad Dinosaur Jr. but oh how I love them.  and Crystal Castles! Wow I looooove Crystal Castles. you should totally get their debut because it's extremely good. Best electronica band out there right now, by far. I don't suppose that's saying much, judging by their competition. But believe me, they're good.

Right that's it for now I'm sorry I'm so boring but the blogging oppurtunity was there and I seized it. I'm off now.

second semester and whatever

Hello all.



I've returned! As best I can. It's a week into the new semester and things are very mixed. I don't know how to write tonight. Be warned: incoherence is coming tonight. Yeah.



So, I had a headache today and got to stay off from school. I'm very tired I guess, and I got to sleep for twelve hours, so this is good. the headache got better through the day, too! I had a very good day. I watched classic Simpsons. It's a shame that everyone's forgotten that classic Simpsons was amazing. The Simpsons was...essentially the only thing I wanted to watch for the first ten years of my life. It's fun going back and actually understanding why it's so good though. It's really really funny and sometimes clever and certainly unique? Let the Simpsons end and let it be cool to like again. Like 90% of the Simpsons stuff I have is on VHS though so I really need to go and buy more. One weird thing that happened was watching the episode where they go to Lollapalooza (well, 'Hullabalooza'), and Homer ends up hanging out with the Smashing Pumpkins or whatever, I've spent my entire life thinking that was Sonic Youth. Like, woah. They're in the episode too so I guess I was just confused. Okay, so, I also read more of the Fault In Our Stars by John Green which is taking forever to read because I just can't be bothered to read at the moment? I dunno, my interest ebbs and flows I guess, it'll come back. And I'm reading Nabokov at the moment so it's not like it's the reading material that's the issue. TFiOS is the bet John Green Book but it's still not good. Fucking oblivion. I just don't care anymore.

Work is definitely easier this semester. I only have three classes, which explains it.



I'm in the exercise room for the first time in gym. My only experience like this before is the similar unit you have to do in middle school, which I spent largely sitting down, drawing, or lapping. This time they have these machines they track everything you do. I've taken to attacking it with a sort of big-brother-is-watching-ah-i'm-trapped-this-is-scary vigor that only someone as vehemently opposed to exercise as I could undertake. I took this gym to avoid the physical activity gym which has, like, matball and stuff. which is reasonable, y'know? And now I am being watched. On Thursday we were forced to fuck around with locker combinations and stuff, which created a number of problems. by the time I'd gotten my locker and worked out my stuff didn't fit in it, the class had already left for the exercise room. I have a terrible sense of direction sometimes so this was a problem. by the time I'd got there the teacher (who is very nice although brings like an XL Dunkin Donuts drink to class every day? oh by the way our class is at 7:45 in the morning) explained all the various machines and stuff, and I dunno, everything from tread mills to photocopy machines to microscopes, I really don't like dealing with machine-y stuff in school and I can't really explain why. Also something about exercise machines annoys me, I guess, which is something I can't explain either. And I didn’t really pay attention and then we had to set up our personal info and stuff for all the machines which I decided not to do, and it turns out the machines track this, too. So awkward moment explaining to my teacher that I just didn’t get how to set up any of the machines. Nope, not one of them. Why didn’t I ever think to ask for help? Oh...I don’t know either. Yeah. I annoyed two people yesterday who had to help me, now the class airhead, work out all the machines. Being seen as dumb is better than being seen as difficult, tactically speaking.

Chem. My teacher interests include Eminem, high school basketball, and cats. She refers to puppies as her boyfriends. There are about six or seven other sophomores in the class, and then there’s...the  h-so-terrifying juniors, Nevertheless, it hasn’t been bad. I was dreading a lab yesterday. A few reasons: one incredibly petty one is that we have to put our hair up and I don’t put my hair up, like ever, and I know someone in that class who thinks any deviation your normal way of doing things is worth mentioning again and again and again, however uncomfortable it makes you. Two, I don’t really like labs, I don’t see the point and stuff like that always seems to confuse me, and for gods sake it’s a baking soda and vinegar lab I mean really. Thirdly, I didn’t have to be a partner so I had to be with a junior (so scary I know). And I know they’re a year older than me so I wasn’t expecting any difference between them and us, but I do think they’re more laid back about stuff than (on average) the some sophomores are. I dunno. The girl I worked with on the lab would’ve been annoying had I been working with who she was a year ago, I suspect. I sound so dumb.

Algebra’s fine boderline boring.

My spanish teacher’s developed this, uh, psychotic streak in the year since I’ve talked to her. Psycho organization, too much work, making us listen to terrible Spanish pop songs. We have new textbooks that we aren’t allowed to take home. Every class that block is full, apparently, so no switching out for us. And I did so badly on a quiz yesterday, though she never explained anything so who am I to care. It’s a conscious decision to be more relaxed this semester. I think if I reconnected (ugh, ignore the word choice) with stuff I like this semester (books & music, really that’s it) and was just more laid back about stuff I can get through it. Get through machines that track everything I do, a chemistry class that I don’t particularly wanna be in, an algebra class that makes me fall asleep, a spanish teacher who looks down on me for not color-coding everything I own or some nonsense of that ilk. I don’t  like this semester so far but damnit I’m gonna make myself happier than I was last semester if it kills me, damnit.

I, uh, I watched Amadeus for the second time this weekend. I dunno if I’ve mentioned before that I watched this recently and loved it. Tis very good. Also still into Black Books and the Thick of It. I never change. Reaaaally wanna watch Sherlock soon, too. I wanna see Tinker Tailor again because I liked it so much but doubt I’ll get the chance.

Oh! Music. Right, music. I’ve been in a rut for some weeks now which I’m finally breaking out of, with a little effort on my part. It always happens this time of year, though I’ve no idea why. I bought a Sonic Youth CD this weekend. Not one I particularly wanted, but even so. It’s quite good. Also listening to my mom’s Elvis Costello CDs a lot. I’m finally ‘getting’ Elvis Costello. I dunno which of the many of his records is the one I keep listening, but it has a very interesting sound about it. It’s definitely old-fashioned. Some of it’s kinda countryish, some of it could’ve been written in the 60s, or, even 50s, it’s very very interesting. My mom’s a huge Elvis Costello fan, so yeah. I have a Crystal Castles CD arriving soon. Man, I love Crystal Castles. I just love their remixes and everything. My favorite song at the moment is by the Dollyrots. Called ‘My Best Friend’s Hot”. It’s a lot of fun, if nothing else. Also, Cymbals Eat Guitars are a surprisingly good band. You find a grunge sound in there somewhere if you look hard enough. And I have a thing for the Smith Westerns at the moment. I...feel like I almost willed myself to liking the Smith Westerns. Their most well known song, Weekend, I first heard ages ago and didn’t understand it at all. Nevertheless, I understood them eventually. Listen to Boys Are Fine.

I’m in a phase though, guys, and there’s nothing like being in a music phase. It’s not that interesting, I guess: The Flaming Lips. Such a sophomore band, I think. I could be wrong. I mean, I’ve known about the Flaming Lips for forever, but other than a few songs we never really clicked properly. Giving them a second ago last week was so worth it, though! Listen to anything from At Ware With The Mystics. I dunno. When you have this amazing band and they’ve been super prolific for like thirty years it’s kinda difficult to get into them properly? Like, where do you begin? That’s the issue. I reaaaally want their Dark Side of the Moon cover album though (they covered they entire thing!) though that probably requires me listening to the original Dark Side of the Moon? And yeah it’s pretty embarrassing I haven’t done that yet? And we have the record round here too, I think it might be on vinyl but I’m not sure, so why has this happened. Rambles. Also, about the Flaming Lips, it’s undeniable how lovely the whole weird-for-the-sake-of-weird thing is. Like, actually kinda odd, not in the torn up jeans and messy hair and dissonance way that seems to be weirdness in pop music. (that and manic female singer songwriters coughflorencewelchcough. Coughyouretryingtoohardyoureruiningthefacthttayougenuinelywritereallygoodmusiccough). (Not to be a hypocrite, did I mention I’m seeing Florence in May, though? With a friend, too.) (Damn parentheses). Right, Flaming Lips. They’re weird in a spacey, pink wellingtons, songs about pink robots and sandwiches and impersonating animals weird. It’s so endearing, guys. And clichéd too but it’s better not to question any of it, I suppose. Full enjoyment requires sleep deprivation and an ironic teenage dorkiness that only a more recent me can understand.

That’s about it, guys. I’ve nothing to do and I’m going to bed.

so, guys

I haven't blogged in almost a month. Why? Time, of course. My lack thereof. And I can't pretend that I have any super interesting hush-hush-soon-to-be-revealed projects going on, either. it's just I'm always doing homework and when I'm not doing homework all I wanna do is watch Black Books and sleep and all. Also? I find the "hey guys, sorry it's been a while, I've been pretty busy but you know important things X, Y, and Z have happened" blogging style difficult because even that is an exaggeration of the excitement of my life. honest to god.

sophomore year was going well and then for whatever reason it just nosedived in the beginning of december or so. Maybe I'm not seeing clearly, but everything seemed to get a hell of a lot worse. then I wanted to do things even less than I did before. It's a fine line between being a little bit stressed while getting a little less than an ideal amount of sleep and, like, existential crisis. existential crisis is hyperbole, but you know, some things just weren't good.

the semester ended today. I've spent the last few hours listening to the Flaming Lips and trying not to come last place in rainbow road. I feel like i always have to be busy, so this is refreshing. Finals went decently. I unconsciously decided not to care about them at all, so I fairly comprehensively fuck them up in most cases. My English final was today and we had to analyze a Sylvia Plath poem which made me so happy oh my god those little angsty fifteen year old girl things. also Pride and Prejudice. is it worth reading because obviously I should read it but this just...wasn't for me? it was just at a party and I probably shouldn't judge it by that. also everyone should shut up about mr darcy being awful because i mean, yeah, that's true but everyone seems to suck. like everyone stop being so silly and dishonest at parties and everything. (damn my inner mr darcy? actually my inner mr darcy isn't very well hidden at all). hmmm. I need to read more, actually. It's my main goal of the new semester. I've had Dr. Sax (Kerouac) and two Nabokov books on the go for too long. Reading's tough because I need to get into a cycle to do it, you know? I like reading but I'm so far from being the most avid reader ever.

this doesn't relate at all to anything I have said or am going to say, but I saw Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy this weekend and it was very good. They did 70s Britain very, very well. anyway.

Tomorrow I have gym (so...we meet again...), chemistry, algebra, and spanish. I have study every other day. I'm hoping for an easier semester. the only thing that worries me is chemistry, cause it's a junior class and everything. I'm anticipating it either being considerably harder or considerably easier than I expect. So far I know three sophomores in there so far and not to be cruel or judgemental or anything (me? never!) but they're all dumb and awful and I hate them.

sadly, you might just be up to date on my life now. so why am I telling you this? because I don't know about the whole blogging thing anymore. I like blogging and I like writing and stuff, but I kinda wanna be more, like, mentally stable next semester so I wanna keep anything that might be an added burden away from me. I have a tumblr if it means anything? It's about as hipster as can be but I might update there. Also a twitter. I'm Tragic Eyes. I gave myself this name in 7th grade and have yet to change it. I'll certainly try to update here, god knows I want to. hell, next semester could be a breeze and I could be back here posting regularly. I don't know. I'll reblog sometimes, with something, promise. I hope to find some stability at some point.

so, yes, until next time, everyone. thanks and everything.

january

Guys, it’s Thursday. And school has started. And I’m pretty sad. The Christmas stuff comes down tomorrow. I have too much homework (already!). Work to rule is in action at the school; nothing much has changed. It’s looking like it isn’t going anywhere any time soon. I don’t have time for anything. All I want to do is listen to the National, read Kerouac, and watch Black Books. Wish I was less uptight.

This is my fave song at the moment.

God, how the National have changed. In a good way. they're pretty interesting. I mentioned this song before. it's, like, Americana. Whatever that is. the kinda stuff the National do--americana, 'adult rock' etc.--sounds a lot worse than it ever is. I love the National. And there's something about this school.

It looks very januaryish outside. This week has been cold as hell, but god forbid I dress for it. Sickeningly underprepared. January is a nice month, if you get rid of all the going-back-to-school and so-much-for-Christmas and the fact that nothing ever happens stuff. Aesthetically, I mean, it’s nice. So not to be even more pretentious than I normally am, but Scotland is like my favorite place ever, in terms of how it looks, and this is when it most looks like Scotland. Typical cold refreshing sky. Edinburgh is my favorite city. Also, not sure how practical the idea of actually living in remote Scotland (even Edinburgh) is. Ironically, I couldn’t deal with the cold. So. This will suffice. But you get this in a lot of places. So yeah. I. Can’t. Write. Words. I really hope anyone reading has an adverse interest in my favorite places and their weather patterns?

A new, interesting phenomena this week. I can’t breathe properly. My mom says it’s anxiety. Seems unlikely for the first week back. I’m not an overly anxious person...well, I’m very often at a sort of tolerable level of anxiety, never rarely unable-to-breathe- type panic. I’m not sick otherwise. Interesting how it coincides with going back to school. Is it really that bad for me? If so, that’s sad. And troubling. Also it’s giving me headaches cause I feel lightheaded a lot of the time. And sounding asthmatic isn’t really fun in social situations...which is school. So, yeah. I don’t know why I’m telling you this. Probably cause I can’t function properly this week or talk to anyone. Hope you aren’t overly repulsed.

Everyone gets sad going back to school. Most everyone. And you think the world is gonna end when you go back. And on the afternoon after the first day back, my mom’ll ask how it went, and I won’t have anything to say(‘how strange’ you may be asking, but I’m ignoring this). And with that all your previous uncertainties vanish and life goes on. But this time I come home, and it’s like “yeah, this girl I barely know talked to me for fifteen minutes about how easy she thinks all school work is, my math teacher made me move for no reason, people in my history class think communism and fascism are just about the same thing, I hate myself for being so judgmental when I promised myself I’d improve this year, I’m tired as sin, and did I mention I’m gonna be up all hours doing homework? I’m really not so okay”. This, or any variation on it, has never happened before. Plus the dog that’s staying with us is still here, and there’s Christmas stuff everywhere. Sorry to moan.

It was especially awful to dive head first back into the english seminar stuff. My god. I didn’t realize it was a, like, first-day-back thing. I didn’t speak on the first day. But on the 2^nd I finally got the nerve to tackle it all again. With the breathing, too, it was especially awful. Hell. I didn’t have anything to say. This is always more awful. Also I have a project in this class. Hell again.

The only halfway interesting thing that happened in 20^th century this week was an actual debate. Like, moving all the tables together and everything, oh my god. Forced debates....guys, I’m not even going there. This one was awkward cause no one wanted to talk. We were supposed to talk about affirmative action; we ended up at ear damage. I’m sitting next to someone who never stops talking and accidentally making eye contact with people across the table. And the goddamn breathing is really awful when no one’s talking—and, this just makes it worse. Of course! Damn...whatever it is that’s causing this. Don’t really wanna go to school because of it.

This week in bio, we talked about meiosis and probability and I was humiliated at my lack of skill when it comes to probability. I wonder why this is. I’m decent enough with math. I wonder why I’m thinking about this too much, too. But I love genetics. God, I love  genetics. One of my favorite areas of science, definitely. Genetics and microbiology, pathology, stuff like that is where my interests lie. Biology person. Why do I talk so much? This is a post of questions and I am annoying and so tired, so much more than I should be.

Black Books is still cool. Bernard Black is still cool. Dylan Moran is still. I’m still reading a lot of Kerouac when I have time and hey I think I might like Pink Floyd revelations. Nevertheless, I’m busy. And tired. And sad. Still. So I should leave you now I guess.