january

Guys, it’s Thursday. And school has started. And I’m pretty sad. The Christmas stuff comes down tomorrow. I have too much homework (already!). Work to rule is in action at the school; nothing much has changed. It’s looking like it isn’t going anywhere any time soon. I don’t have time for anything. All I want to do is listen to the National, read Kerouac, and watch Black Books. Wish I was less uptight.

This is my fave song at the moment.

God, how the National have changed. In a good way. they're pretty interesting. I mentioned this song before. it's, like, Americana. Whatever that is. the kinda stuff the National do--americana, 'adult rock' etc.--sounds a lot worse than it ever is. I love the National. And there's something about this school.

It looks very januaryish outside. This week has been cold as hell, but god forbid I dress for it. Sickeningly underprepared. January is a nice month, if you get rid of all the going-back-to-school and so-much-for-Christmas and the fact that nothing ever happens stuff. Aesthetically, I mean, it’s nice. So not to be even more pretentious than I normally am, but Scotland is like my favorite place ever, in terms of how it looks, and this is when it most looks like Scotland. Typical cold refreshing sky. Edinburgh is my favorite city. Also, not sure how practical the idea of actually living in remote Scotland (even Edinburgh) is. Ironically, I couldn’t deal with the cold. So. This will suffice. But you get this in a lot of places. So yeah. I. Can’t. Write. Words. I really hope anyone reading has an adverse interest in my favorite places and their weather patterns?

A new, interesting phenomena this week. I can’t breathe properly. My mom says it’s anxiety. Seems unlikely for the first week back. I’m not an overly anxious person...well, I’m very often at a sort of tolerable level of anxiety, never rarely unable-to-breathe- type panic. I’m not sick otherwise. Interesting how it coincides with going back to school. Is it really that bad for me? If so, that’s sad. And troubling. Also it’s giving me headaches cause I feel lightheaded a lot of the time. And sounding asthmatic isn’t really fun in social situations...which is school. So, yeah. I don’t know why I’m telling you this. Probably cause I can’t function properly this week or talk to anyone. Hope you aren’t overly repulsed.

Everyone gets sad going back to school. Most everyone. And you think the world is gonna end when you go back. And on the afternoon after the first day back, my mom’ll ask how it went, and I won’t have anything to say(‘how strange’ you may be asking, but I’m ignoring this). And with that all your previous uncertainties vanish and life goes on. But this time I come home, and it’s like “yeah, this girl I barely know talked to me for fifteen minutes about how easy she thinks all school work is, my math teacher made me move for no reason, people in my history class think communism and fascism are just about the same thing, I hate myself for being so judgmental when I promised myself I’d improve this year, I’m tired as sin, and did I mention I’m gonna be up all hours doing homework? I’m really not so okay”. This, or any variation on it, has never happened before. Plus the dog that’s staying with us is still here, and there’s Christmas stuff everywhere. Sorry to moan.

It was especially awful to dive head first back into the english seminar stuff. My god. I didn’t realize it was a, like, first-day-back thing. I didn’t speak on the first day. But on the 2^nd I finally got the nerve to tackle it all again. With the breathing, too, it was especially awful. Hell. I didn’t have anything to say. This is always more awful. Also I have a project in this class. Hell again.

The only halfway interesting thing that happened in 20^th century this week was an actual debate. Like, moving all the tables together and everything, oh my god. Forced debates....guys, I’m not even going there. This one was awkward cause no one wanted to talk. We were supposed to talk about affirmative action; we ended up at ear damage. I’m sitting next to someone who never stops talking and accidentally making eye contact with people across the table. And the goddamn breathing is really awful when no one’s talking—and, this just makes it worse. Of course! Damn...whatever it is that’s causing this. Don’t really wanna go to school because of it.

This week in bio, we talked about meiosis and probability and I was humiliated at my lack of skill when it comes to probability. I wonder why this is. I’m decent enough with math. I wonder why I’m thinking about this too much, too. But I love genetics. God, I love  genetics. One of my favorite areas of science, definitely. Genetics and microbiology, pathology, stuff like that is where my interests lie. Biology person. Why do I talk so much? This is a post of questions and I am annoying and so tired, so much more than I should be.

Black Books is still cool. Bernard Black is still cool. Dylan Moran is still. I’m still reading a lot of Kerouac when I have time and hey I think I might like Pink Floyd revelations. Nevertheless, I’m busy. And tired. And sad. Still. So I should leave you now I guess.